I Feel So Conflicted

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I cannot allow Kae’s fight to affect my physical well being but it seems it has and is trying to continue doing so.  At this point it is mind over matter for me.  You may have noticed I’ve been a bit absent in my journaling on Always My Daughter.  It totally helps me to share my trial on this path but there are days where I simply have to back off completely.

I was experiencing pain in my lower left hip and back and booty – where our emotional stress tends to settle.  After multiple trips to the chiropractor and masseuse I finally realized I cannot let Kae’s fight become mine too.  She is after-all a grown woman – yes, always my daughter, but a grown up!

My conflict comes from the pull to help her.  The pull in my back tells me to let it go.  Not let HER go but let her fight this battle in her own way.  It is ridiculously hard to do but I am slowly backing away from the thought process of fixing her!  I can’t.  I can only hope and pray that she chooses to “fix” herself – for real – SOON!

When one cannot bend over to put on their underwear or tie their shoes and there is no other apparent reason other than stress, that person has to make a change in how they are handling the stress.  That person is me.

Lately our conversations are a couple of times a week – this is still an adjustment for me.  I suspect that when she’s drinking – which she is again – she doesn’t really want to call me.  It’s getting easier to determine if she’s sober or not.  Remember I told her I wouldn’t be able to continue “drunk” dialing conversations!  I will however give credit where it is due – she has been honest and admitted it if I ask.

The conflict within is getting a bit easier yet at times I feel so heartless.  I am not heartless – my heart is however, broken!  I do not want to enable, harass nor ignore her.  I am doing my best to put boundaries in place while still loving her and letting her know I am here for her.

What else is there?

 

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