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I Feel So Conflicted

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I cannot allow Kae’s fight to affect my physical well being but it seems it has and is trying to continue doing so.  At this point it is mind over matter for me.  You may have noticed I’ve been a bit absent in my journaling on Always My Daughter.  It totally helps me to share my trial on this path but there are days where I simply have to back off completely.

I was experiencing pain in my lower left hip and back and booty – where our emotional stress tends to settle.  After multiple trips to the chiropractor and masseuse I finally realized I cannot let Kae’s fight become mine too.  She is after-all a grown woman – yes, always my daughter, but a grown up!

My conflict comes from the pull to help her.  The pull in my back tells me to let it go.  Not let HER go but let her fight this battle in her own way.  It is ridiculously hard to do but I am slowly backing away from the thought process of fixing her!  I can’t.  I can only hope and pray that she chooses to “fix” herself – for real – SOON!

When one cannot bend over to put on their underwear or tie their shoes and there is no other apparent reason other than stress, that person has to make a change in how they are handling the stress.  That person is me.

Lately our conversations are a couple of times a week – this is still an adjustment for me.  I suspect that when she’s drinking – which she is again – she doesn’t really want to call me.  It’s getting easier to determine if she’s sober or not.  Remember I told her I wouldn’t be able to continue “drunk” dialing conversations!  I will however give credit where it is due – she has been honest and admitted it if I ask.

The conflict within is getting a bit easier yet at times I feel so heartless.  I am not heartless – my heart is however, broken!  I do not want to enable, harass nor ignore her.  I am doing my best to put boundaries in place while still loving her and letting her know I am here for her.

What else is there?

 

Distance

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Not only is there a physical distance between Kae and me but I am feeling a heaviness of emotional and conversational distance now a days too.  So sad for me……It varies from day to day but most days our conversations feel strained.  My suspicion is that she is hiding something – possibly the fact that she is back at the booze!

It’s impossible to know for sure but on the other hand it isn’t.  Sometimes our conversations start out ok and then before we hang up she sounds drunk.  I can’t help but be confused.

In the past we spoke daily…now the calls are more like every few days.  I got another 2 a.m. call this week.  She was crying when I answered and blurted out how she was “all alone”.  She is…she is choosing this.  She ranted about how she is the “one” person in our family who is a f*%k up.  Getting a divorce, been to rehab, jobless….I took a moment to remind her of how many people in our family have been divorced.  Out of 11 adults – 5 have gone through a divorce, 2 of them through multiple divorces.

She apologized for calling at such an unGodly hour and told me it was either call or go buy a bottle of wine.  By the end of the conversation, as I said earlier, I’m uncertain if she was drinking or not.  Not falling down drunk, slurring her words smashed but tipsy…I don’t know.  It is hard to decipher between tears and tipsy over the telephone.  If indeed calling me and having me on the phone for 1 hour and 45 minutes in the middle of the night kept her from getting a bottle of booze and drinking until she passed out well I’m happy to accommodate!

It didn’t feel distant then.  But for the next couple of days I didn’t hear from her.  When I finally did she clearly was drinking and rambling in such a way I had to cut the call short.  Remember I set a boundary regarding drunk phone calls.  I hate it but it feels better than struggling to converse with a plastered person even if she is always my daughter.

Does It Ever End?

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Secrecy….is evil and I don’t like it.  A friend who happens to be an Episcopal priest once told me, “secrets will destroy a family”.  Kae’s dad and I have found ourselves in a position to be secretive – lately…well for the last couple of years since this whole alcohol, abuse, divorce, mess began.

First it was her wanting us to be secretive.  “Don’t talk to W”.  Then I would end up in a conversation with him.  He’d call me to complain about her alcohol use and we would discuss ways he might be able to make changes that could possibly affect her behavior.  Frankly, none of those suggestions were ever put into practice.  Notice I didn’t say he ever discussed his contribution to the nastiness that was their marriage!  Then he and I would decide not to tell her we’d talked.  This wasn’t a constant battle but one that always made me feel like such a louse.  I don’t like to lie and I don’t like liars!  So I don’t like myself when I lie either.

Lately it’s been her wanting us to be secretive from her one friend who lives close and knows pretty much what she’s up to.  When I realized she was drinking, again last week I didn’t automatically contact that friend but remember I said she went ballistic on me wondering if I was going to call.  I didn’t – her Dad did.  Read this post to clarify.   Truth of the matter is…she was so drunk that night that she doesn’t even remember what was said!

Yesterday I received a text from her neighbor asking if I’d spoken to her.  I had not but hadn’t thought much about it, and I was at work.  I took a short break and called her.  She answered, said she was folding laundry.  After a couple minutes of a rather awkward conversation she asks, “so did you call because Jackie contacted you?”  What do you think I did?  I lied….sadly.

What all of this means is, I care about her well being.  When a friend who speaks to her daily contacts me and expresses concern I become concerned.  Jackie doesn’t want Kae to know that she’s checking up but in reality she is – we all are.  Every time I call or text, even if I have plenty to chat about I feel like I am weighing in on her state of mind and soberness.

Jackie asked me not to tell Kae that she’d contacted me.  So I lied.  What Kae doesn’t seem to understand or grasp is that we are all concerned for her safety and well being – that is all!  She seems paranoid about a phone call or text between Jackie and me.  I think when she’s screwing up she figures I won’t know if I don’t hear from her friend so she gets freaked out thinking we might “talk about her” behind her back.

When will this end?  Part of me is grateful for a neighbor who is a friend and who keeps in contact daily – but part of me hates the secrecy of our conversations.  I truly have no one else to turn to or to contact, besides the police if I couldn’t reach Kae.  Yeah, W did a great job of convincing the friends they’d made when they moved (only a handful) that they should stay away.  Clearly they aren’t true friends or they’d have given her an opportunity to express her side.  So sadly she is alone.  Her friends live in another state- should she move?

Guys, I am pulling my hair out.  How can I come to terms with lying when it’s at the top of my list of “NO NO’S?  Ah ha….as I wrote that a thought came to me….maybe it’s time I level with Kae and tell her – “like it or not I will talk to whom ever I need when the need arises – especially if that person is reaching out to me”.

What do you think – is that a legit boundary?  Thoughts?

 

What Recovery?

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Recovery my ass!  Liar liar pants on fire!  That’s what I’d say to a 4 year old when I knew they were telling a lie – I’m about ready to say it to Kae because she’s become quite adept at lying.  This sickens me and shatters my heart.  Not as much for lying to me or her Dad or her friends but that she’s lying to herself!

Not out even one week and she began to drink again.  It doesn’t seem to be to the extent it was before rehab but what the hey?  30 days in rehab and recovery lasted like 3 days.  Let’s not even talk about the cost of going to a rehab facility – which I might add her insurance didn’t cover.

For the first maybe 8-10 days she was doing an amazing job of not letting on when she and I would talk.  Of course, this explains why after she came out I didn’t hear from her too regularly.  I wondered why…now I know.  When she did call she didn’t sound drunk – maybe she wasn’t….maybe she waited until we had had a chat before drowning her sorrows.

I cannot wrap my brain around this.  How does a person decide all on their own to go check into rehab, go through the process of detox and 3 days after coming home already head right back down that rocky path?  I had finally stared to feel like our conversations were better, more like they have been in the past.  Until night before last when a phone call came around dinner time.

She began the conversation by asking what I was doing?  “Finishing up dinner”, I told her.  “Well where are you – can you talk?”  I agreed to talk as I had literally one bite left.  She started out telling me that she’d had a tough session with her therapist that day and a bit about how she was feeling about men.  At this time she seemed teary but not inebriated.

Then I heard a familiar and unsettling sound on the other end of the line….drinking…a kind of slurping sound.  I’ve heard that before and my heart began to sink as I knew where this was going. I waited a few minutes and as the time passed her words became slurry, I recognized some of the responses she made.  More importantly the tone started to become hateful, accusatory.  I recognized that she was in a full blown state of being stink punch-drunk.

When I questioned it – if she was drinking and told her she sounded drunk she denied it. Liar!  A short time after I questioned it she said, “You sound distrustful!”.  My reply?  “Why because I think you are drunk?”  Kai, “yep, yep, yep, (clears her throat) I’m NOT”.  The conversation ended when she became angry and hung up on me – questioning if I was going to call a friend/neighbor of hers who could check up on her and who I now know could divulge that she’d already been drinking 3 days out of rehab.

I didn’t call that friend but her Dad did.  We got the scoop and stared at each other with space like eyes.  After he hung up we scratched our heads and sat outside to listen to the crickets.  My phone rang….I cringed.  Not willing to try to communicate with a drunk – it simply is a waste of time and energy, which by this time I was already low on.

Those hateful, spewing words began to flow from her mouth.  I told her, ” I won’t talk to you in this state.  I love you and would enjoy a conversation when you are sober.  I will not allow you to be hateful to me.”  Then she started in on running her mouth about how her Dad is so stupid and doesn’t understand anything and always – (yes always) says the wrong things.  I backed him up with this response – “you don’t like that he calls it like it is”.  This pissed her off even more, too bad.  I told her I had to hang up and would talk to her the next day if she was sober.

These are the nights that falling asleep and resting comfortably are impossible.  I had a big day following and so I made the decision to shut my phone off so that she could not disturb me at 2 a.m.  I must be feeling stronger in the boundaries I’m trying to implement because I didn’t even feel guilty doing it!

The next afternoon, late in the day she called.  She wanted me to talk her off of a ledge…she wanted to call W.  If you’ve read my previous posts – we all know this is a ludicrous idea.  Teary sounding…after a few minutes it seemed as if she’d been at the bottle yet again – but not as bad as the night before.  This time when I questioned it her response was honest, “yes”.  A sad sounding admission.  Could this be progress in the right direction again?

Fingers crossed…….