I Feel So Conflicted

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I cannot allow Kae’s fight to affect my physical well being but it seems it has and is trying to continue doing so.  At this point it is mind over matter for me.  You may have noticed I’ve been a bit absent in my journaling on Always My Daughter.  It totally helps me to share my trial on this path but there are days where I simply have to back off completely.

I was experiencing pain in my lower left hip and back and booty – where our emotional stress tends to settle.  After multiple trips to the chiropractor and masseuse I finally realized I cannot let Kae’s fight become mine too.  She is after-all a grown woman – yes, always my daughter, but a grown up!

My conflict comes from the pull to help her.  The pull in my back tells me to let it go.  Not let HER go but let her fight this battle in her own way.  It is ridiculously hard to do but I am slowly backing away from the thought process of fixing her!  I can’t.  I can only hope and pray that she chooses to “fix” herself – for real – SOON!

When one cannot bend over to put on their underwear or tie their shoes and there is no other apparent reason other than stress, that person has to make a change in how they are handling the stress.  That person is me.

Lately our conversations are a couple of times a week – this is still an adjustment for me.  I suspect that when she’s drinking – which she is again – she doesn’t really want to call me.  It’s getting easier to determine if she’s sober or not.  Remember I told her I wouldn’t be able to continue “drunk” dialing conversations!  I will however give credit where it is due – she has been honest and admitted it if I ask.

The conflict within is getting a bit easier yet at times I feel so heartless.  I am not heartless – my heart is however, broken!  I do not want to enable, harass nor ignore her.  I am doing my best to put boundaries in place while still loving her and letting her know I am here for her.

What else is there?

 

Coming Home From Rehab

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My heart broke the entire time Kae was at the rehab facility because I am so far away I was never able to visit her or attend any of the family sessions.  I feel her Dad and I missed out on valuable info that could help us support her in recovery.

Have you attended these types of meetings? Do you have experience with this?  Can you pass along any info, suggestions, tips or hints around this subject?  I’d be eternally grateful to hear from you.

Since she’s come out she has shared with me that I need to know I cannot help her- only support her in recovery.  I understand that – I spent an immeasurable amount of time trying to “help” all to no avail.  I can’t help but wonder though, are there things I shouldn’t say?  Are there subjects to be avoided?

She’s mentioned “triggers” – conversations or such that may make her wish for a drink of alcohol.  I remind myself this is not my responsibility to prevent this but hers.  A mother’s love runs so deep it’s damn near impossible for her to yearn to be certain not be the person who says or does something that may pull one of those triggers.

Boundaries – it’s about boundaries.  She knows where she needs to set her boundaries.  Kae told me she learned tons about setting her own boundaries at rehab.  Are there any for her parents?

So many questions…….

A Daughter’s Addiction ~ A Mother’s Journey

I am on a journey.  My daughter has an addiction.  These are not easy words.  This is painful.  It’s called a disease – this addiction.  Where does this disease come from?  What caused it to surface? The experts have answers but as a mother it’s impossible to understand the answers.

My beautiful, talented, funny, intelligent adult daughter is addicted to alcohol.  Who in the family passed this gene on to her?  I question this daily.  There is no apparent culprit.  I wish there was someone I could point my finger at and blame them.

As my story progresses there are situations which seemingly brought on this addiction.  Was it lurking in her newborn body only to surface as a young adult?  How did we make it through childhood, being a teenager, college without knowing?  We did…but when I look back I think there were signs.  I didn’t know this at the time.  Who would?

Signs like depression, bulimia, lying and anxiety.  When my daughter was in college one day she shared with me her struggle with depression and bulimia.  We sought help.  She beat the bulimia at the time…whew… good for her!  Did she drink back then?  Yes she did – did it seem excessive?  Not for a college girl.

The depression seemed to go away with a new relationship.  A steady boyfriend with a seemingly normal family.  Friends to enjoy sports with.  Cookouts and parties.  Vacation.  Family get togethers.

When you live miles apart it is hard to recognize issues going on in our children’s lives.  My daughter and I have a close relationship and she shared with me.  She also hid things from me – to keep me from worrying!

SO there I’ve said it.  I’ve put it out into the world – my daughter is an addict.  This is the first post of many.  I am hoping by writing and sharing about my journey I will more easily deal with this mess and maybe even help another, maybe you.  I know I am not the only mother who is on this path.  Are you on a similar pilgrimage?  Can I help you – can you help me?