I cannot allow Kae’s fight to affect my physical well being but it seems it has and is trying to continue doing so. At this point it is mind over matter for me. You may have noticed I’ve been a bit absent in my journaling on Always My Daughter. It totally helps me to share my trial on this path but there are days where I simply have to back off completely.
I was experiencing pain in my lower left hip and back and booty – where our emotional stress tends to settle. After multiple trips to the chiropractor and masseuse I finally realized I cannot let Kae’s fight become mine too. She is after-all a grown woman – yes, always my daughter, but a grown up!
My conflict comes from the pull to help her. The pull in my back tells me to let it go. Not let HER go but let her fight this battle in her own way. It is ridiculously hard to do but I am slowly backing away from the thought process of fixing her! I can’t. I can only hope and pray that she chooses to “fix” herself – for real – SOON!
When one cannot bend over to put on their underwear or tie their shoes and there is no other apparent reason other than stress, that person has to make a change in how they are handling the stress. That person is me.
Lately our conversations are a couple of times a week – this is still an adjustment for me. I suspect that when she’s drinking – which she is again – she doesn’t really want to call me. It’s getting easier to determine if she’s sober or not. Remember I told her I wouldn’t be able to continue “drunk” dialing conversations! I will however give credit where it is due – she has been honest and admitted it if I ask.
The conflict within is getting a bit easier yet at times I feel so heartless. I am not heartless – my heart is however, broken! I do not want to enable, harass nor ignore her. I am doing my best to put boundaries in place while still loving her and letting her know I am here for her.
What else is there?
It’s crazy but about a year after Kae and W tied the knot in a visually beautiful outdoor ceremony she confided in me that on the day of her wedding she knew it was destined to be an unhappy one – for her anyway. This news came as a surprise to me – sort of…..
A marriage blown’ in the wind and it hadn’t even begun. WTF? I went through a slew of emotions in that moment…sadness, anger, curiosity, compassion, and lots of questions began to go through my head.
Me: Why didn’t you say something? Her: I thought it would get better. Me: What would get better? Her: He’d be happy that I was his wife. Me: Why are you unhappy? Her: He says awful things to me, he tries to control me, he puts me down. Me: He treats everyone that way I didn’t realize it was so serious. Her: It’s okay mom it’ll get better.
Needless to say I left that conversation feeling empty and worried. What hadn’t she shared with me? At that time she shared most of what was happening with his verbal abuse which translates to emotional abuse. She didn’t share about the time he threw a margarita glass at her which luckily missed her head and shattered into the wall behind her. Didn’t mention the time he walked out in a rage, got in his truck and bumped into her body with said truck, as she tried to stop him from leaving. Alerting neighbors who were quickly dismissed – calling it a misunderstanding – an accident. She didn’t tell me about the times he told her to “get the hell out of the room” so he could concentrate on his video games. Her drinking was just beginning then…..
Fast forward about 2 years. Bottom line – while throwing a temper tantrum W threw a plate of food along with his knife and fork at Kae. Remarkably the fork impaled her hand. I don’t imagine that W expected that exact scenario but that’s what he got. Kae called for help – finally.
This photo depicts what I would call a “glorious day”. Wouldn’t you? Yesterday amid some struggles and heartbreak a good thing happened. I look for any tiny glimmer of hope to label it a glorious day!
In the midst of my daughter and her addiction are the beginning stages of a divorce. Is the divorce due to her use of alcohol? Maybe…is the alcohol use attributed to a lousy marriage? Maybe…There was abuse in this union they call marriage. It is sad that commitments are so easily broken when everyone settles into a marriage. Everything is peachy before “I do” is spoken. What happens after is another story completely.
My daughter and her husband, W are not trashy people. They are an educated, white collar couple. What goes on behind closed doors is appalling. Generally we don’t suspect that abuse goes on in a home such as this. But boy does it!
One fall day my daughter, Kae called and told me this story. She said, ” I was getting ready to run to the grocery store and I threw on some jeans, a sweater and my new boots. I just love these new boots and haven’t had much chance to wear them. When I went through the house to grab my purse and keys, W said, “you don’t need to wear those expensive boots just to go to the grocery store!”. Now mind you these weren’t sexy stiletto heeled boots or anything – more like a riding boot. She responded with, ” I know they’re expensive, but they won’t get ruined at the grocery store, and I don’t get to wear them much”. Bottom line is he bullied her to the point she took off the boots, threw on some tennis shoes and went about her business. W was pleased as punch – my daughter not so much. Don’t love you the way he knows what shoes she needs to wear to the store?
She felt depressed, unworthy and angry at her decision to take off the boots. BUT…when you live with an abuser you do anything to keep down the chance of more bullying or verbal bullshit. So off came those boots. Now W’s form of abuse is not the black eye -bloody nose kind. NO – it’s the verbal and emotional kind – for the most part. I speculate she picked up a couple bottles of wine while grocery shopping.
Deciding to move forward with a divorce is a messy and difficult subject. I am sharing this story a little out of order but it’ll all make sense as the stories unfold. I am claiming yesterday as a glorious one because Kae was finally able to take a big step toward separating herself from W. She set up her own, individual bank and phone accounts. She claimed it felt good but weird – weird but good. “My first step toward an official separation”, she told me with a strong sense of worth in her voice. One I haven’t heard for a long, long time.