sobriety

Miracles Do Happen

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When I last posted I mentioned that I hoped when we returned from our trip that some good stuff would have miraculously happened in Kae’s life.  I am pleased to announce that two of the things I’d hoped for came true. 1. She was served with a divorce summons!

Not something that a mother would normally be happy about but under the circumstances – domestic violence – this mother is happy!  Of course this summons comes after W cut off the water, electricity, internet, cable, cancelled credit cards, changed bank accounts and ceased contributing to the mortgage payment.  He wrote a clause in the papers stating that from the day she was served “both parties are restrained from making any changes to any insurance, bank accounts, etc….. So calculated!

2. She also found employment one day a week with a law firm – not the one she will use to finalize her impending divorce.  I do not know if it’s these two facts that contributed to her decision to halt the alcohol use again – but she has been sober for several weeks now.  Crossing my fingers that she can continue down this path.  Like….crossing my toes and arms and legs too!

In the last few weeks – actually it began to happen while we were away – my conversations with her turned for the better.  I didn’t hang up wondering, “is she drinking?” . I hung up knowing she was sober by her voice, her words, her laugh.  You may not have any idea how good this feels.

Today I remain hopeful!

I Feel So Conflicted

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I cannot allow Kae’s fight to affect my physical well being but it seems it has and is trying to continue doing so.  At this point it is mind over matter for me.  You may have noticed I’ve been a bit absent in my journaling on Always My Daughter.  It totally helps me to share my trial on this path but there are days where I simply have to back off completely.

I was experiencing pain in my lower left hip and back and booty – where our emotional stress tends to settle.  After multiple trips to the chiropractor and masseuse I finally realized I cannot let Kae’s fight become mine too.  She is after-all a grown woman – yes, always my daughter, but a grown up!

My conflict comes from the pull to help her.  The pull in my back tells me to let it go.  Not let HER go but let her fight this battle in her own way.  It is ridiculously hard to do but I am slowly backing away from the thought process of fixing her!  I can’t.  I can only hope and pray that she chooses to “fix” herself – for real – SOON!

When one cannot bend over to put on their underwear or tie their shoes and there is no other apparent reason other than stress, that person has to make a change in how they are handling the stress.  That person is me.

Lately our conversations are a couple of times a week – this is still an adjustment for me.  I suspect that when she’s drinking – which she is again – she doesn’t really want to call me.  It’s getting easier to determine if she’s sober or not.  Remember I told her I wouldn’t be able to continue “drunk” dialing conversations!  I will however give credit where it is due – she has been honest and admitted it if I ask.

The conflict within is getting a bit easier yet at times I feel so heartless.  I am not heartless – my heart is however, broken!  I do not want to enable, harass nor ignore her.  I am doing my best to put boundaries in place while still loving her and letting her know I am here for her.

What else is there?

 

Does It Ever End?

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Secrecy….is evil and I don’t like it.  A friend who happens to be an Episcopal priest once told me, “secrets will destroy a family”.  Kae’s dad and I have found ourselves in a position to be secretive – lately…well for the last couple of years since this whole alcohol, abuse, divorce, mess began.

First it was her wanting us to be secretive.  “Don’t talk to W”.  Then I would end up in a conversation with him.  He’d call me to complain about her alcohol use and we would discuss ways he might be able to make changes that could possibly affect her behavior.  Frankly, none of those suggestions were ever put into practice.  Notice I didn’t say he ever discussed his contribution to the nastiness that was their marriage!  Then he and I would decide not to tell her we’d talked.  This wasn’t a constant battle but one that always made me feel like such a louse.  I don’t like to lie and I don’t like liars!  So I don’t like myself when I lie either.

Lately it’s been her wanting us to be secretive from her one friend who lives close and knows pretty much what she’s up to.  When I realized she was drinking, again last week I didn’t automatically contact that friend but remember I said she went ballistic on me wondering if I was going to call.  I didn’t – her Dad did.  Read this post to clarify.   Truth of the matter is…she was so drunk that night that she doesn’t even remember what was said!

Yesterday I received a text from her neighbor asking if I’d spoken to her.  I had not but hadn’t thought much about it, and I was at work.  I took a short break and called her.  She answered, said she was folding laundry.  After a couple minutes of a rather awkward conversation she asks, “so did you call because Jackie contacted you?”  What do you think I did?  I lied….sadly.

What all of this means is, I care about her well being.  When a friend who speaks to her daily contacts me and expresses concern I become concerned.  Jackie doesn’t want Kae to know that she’s checking up but in reality she is – we all are.  Every time I call or text, even if I have plenty to chat about I feel like I am weighing in on her state of mind and soberness.

Jackie asked me not to tell Kae that she’d contacted me.  So I lied.  What Kae doesn’t seem to understand or grasp is that we are all concerned for her safety and well being – that is all!  She seems paranoid about a phone call or text between Jackie and me.  I think when she’s screwing up she figures I won’t know if I don’t hear from her friend so she gets freaked out thinking we might “talk about her” behind her back.

When will this end?  Part of me is grateful for a neighbor who is a friend and who keeps in contact daily – but part of me hates the secrecy of our conversations.  I truly have no one else to turn to or to contact, besides the police if I couldn’t reach Kae.  Yeah, W did a great job of convincing the friends they’d made when they moved (only a handful) that they should stay away.  Clearly they aren’t true friends or they’d have given her an opportunity to express her side.  So sadly she is alone.  Her friends live in another state- should she move?

Guys, I am pulling my hair out.  How can I come to terms with lying when it’s at the top of my list of “NO NO’S?  Ah ha….as I wrote that a thought came to me….maybe it’s time I level with Kae and tell her – “like it or not I will talk to whom ever I need when the need arises – especially if that person is reaching out to me”.

What do you think – is that a legit boundary?  Thoughts?

 

The Letter – I Never Sent

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This is the letter I wrote to Kae and never sent.  In a way I wish she could read it but on the other hand it wouldn’t have changed anything at the time.  She was still in denial of her alcohol abuse and my words would have gone in one ear and out the other – so to speak.

Since she has been home from rehab and in recovery mode she has told me that all the talks and suggestions her Dad and I had with her – all the promises she made to shut us up are typical of a family struggling with addiction.  You know, I knew this all along but what I didn’t know was, what to do.  I did know she had to make the choice on her own to enter rehab and have it be effective.  She tells me she understands we didn’t know what to do or say and that she is blessed to have a family that doesn’t turn their backs on her as so many families do.

In rehab she heard stories of families who refuse to accept their addicts condition or choice to get help.  She shared some of these situations with me and hers is different in regards to the support she will get from her family as she continues in recovery.  She is blessed!

I’ll share this letter with you and maybe someday with her.

Good morning my sweet daughter,

Let me start by saying “I love you more than you can imagine”. Everything I am about to say is because of the deep and infinite love I have for you! Please remember this as you read my letter.

I want you to know that I agree with your statement last night, “all of this is not my fault”. There are certainly many contributing factors that have led you to the mess you now find yourself in. SO much of that was not in your control.

What you do going forward is completely in your control. Your issues with alcohol seem to be situational, yet the situation isn’t changing. So I don’t see how you will get sober if you stay where you are. The first step to getting out of this mess is for you to admit – sincerely that this is the biggest problem. Clearly, choosing alcohol in the manner you have is not working for you, your relationship or your well being! It not only affects you but many of those around you.

Had I not seen the ugliness of what the alcohol does to you I’d question it more – but having seen for myself I can’t question it anymore. It is an issue only you can fix! I have faith in you that you can climb out of this mess but only if you choose that path.

I know you say you feel ambushed! I suppose I might feel the same if I was in your shoes. What I wonder is…do you realize that the people who are stepping forward are doing so out of love and concern for your happiness and health? I wish you could realize it is not for any other reason.

I want to tell you about a phone call I had yesterday. It was with Lenny. He contacted me, as James had called him. He loves you and wants to spend time with you. He wondered if I knew about all that was going on. I told him I do and that we speak pretty much, daily. He went on to say that unless you were able to get sober he would not be able to spend time with you. He told me about a couple of times where you’d passed out at dinner in his home. He told me he won’t allow that to happen in the future. He believes you are in denial of your alcohol issues and refuse to seek help or change your ways. He told me I should share this with you and he would risk your being angry about it in hopes that you will change it! He talked about how beautiful, smart and fun you are yet you are not in a place for those qualities to shine! He, as everyone else doesn’t know what to do.

I am reminded of the times you’ve told me about incidents, how many people told me after Seth’s rehearsal night how drunk you were, the 2 am phone call, our closet confrontation, the night you picked me up from the airport…..Every one of those incidents are contributed to your alcohol use – maybe there were other issues that caused you to choose to drink but it was and is your choice and only your choice. You can’t live your life based on what “everyone” else is doing if it doesn’t work for you. This isn’t working and you need to remove yourself from THIS situation.

This is a crazy situation. You are not yourself, not the girl I know. I know she’s inside you somewhere and I’d really love to see her emerge. You have your whole life ahead of you – I can NOT imagine why you would want to spend it like this. Alcohol is NOT the answer it IS the problem.

When you admit it and choose to take the path to recovering from it your life will be amazing like you. Any chance this is going to happen?

I don’t want lip-service I want to see action! In this case actions definitely speak much louder than words! How can I help? I’d be happy to come to be with you while you figure this out and begin to seek help. I’ll be with you every step of the way.

 

I love you and you’ll always be my daughter,

Mom

 

 

 

Struggling With Lack Of Communication

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Ever since Kae went into rehab there has been an enormous lack of communication.  Today we had our first normal conversation in almost a month – it made me cry!

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She began to tell me about the withdrawal symptoms she is experiencing a few weeks after beginning her detox.  This is normal, it can last for weeks or months.  Her experience has been sleeplessness, night sweats, bizarre dreams and just not feeling great.  Luckily she’s only experienced this for the last couple of days.

She is about to finish her stint in rehab.  Will they address this?  Will she have a helpline in case of severe withdrawal symptoms now? As her mom of course these are concerns for me.  If I lived close I would be getting education from the center she chose and would be able to be with her.  She was planning on finding a counselor and confirming that this is normal and asking for advice on dealing with it.  I am trusting that the rehab center will absolutely address this issue and send her off with the ammunition she needs going forward.

Of course they will!

Our conversation was normal today – after the first week when she was allowed to call me she seemed like herself – sober on the first phone call.  She told me a little about the facility, the other addicts and her counselor.  Since then our conversations have seemed stiff and forced and obligatory.  This is not normal.  Today it was.

I feel hopeful that this will continue!

 

Checking Into Rehab

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2 weeks in.  Kae is two weeks into rehab.  Her first – hopefully her only.  There is no shortage of speculation surrounding a return visit.  My husband, Kae’s dad and I speculate far too often.  It seems impossible not to!

I cried the day she asked me if I thought she should just check herself into a rehab facility.  I couldn’t get the word “YES” out of my mouth quick enough.  Those were tears of joy and fear at the same time.  Before getting around to that most important question she told me about the day before.  It was a nightmare that happened during daylight hours.  She had gotten drunk beyond measure and wasn’t able to drive home from an event she’d attended.  The friend who was kind enough to pick her up and get her home safely told me she’d even peed her pants.  So.Sad.  She hasn’t peed her pants since she was 2.

After her initial question I told her I knew of some facilities she should look into and see if one would take her right away.  An entire afternoon passed with lots of calls and updates.  This one doesn’t have a bed for me today, this one is too far away, this one won’t take insurance…At last she found one about an hour away from her home that would take her that day.  Unfortunately we do not live close to each other.  We are miles apart.  She relied on a friend to help her get to rehab.

She fretted over what to take – I told her to focus on what not to take! We knew at reception that her bags would be gone over with a fine tooth comb.  They even took away her hair products because there is alcohol in them.  I get it.  Upon check-in she did not pass the breathalyzer test – even though she told me all day that she wasn’t drinking. I knew it was a lie.

The fear set in right away when she made a last call to me and informed me that check-in was complete and she would be handing her phone over for an entire week.  Did I understand this process? Sure, but did I like it? Not one bit!  To go from speaking to her multiple times a day to not at all for a week…yikes!  I told her I loved her and hung up on my end knowing that would be the last conversation for a few days.  Should I have been scared? Not really as there was comfort in knowing she was in a safe place, but…..

Now I was full of anxiety.  How will it go?  What WILL they do to her?  Will she decide it’s not for her and try to bail?  How will her dad and I know what to do?  What if W finds out she’s there?  No, he does not know nor does he need to know her whereabouts.  He’d find a way to use it against her.  More on that in another post.

To jump ahead a bit.  Detox and rehab are going well.  She detoxed out in record time and was moved into a cottage with her own room – now free of a 24-7 chaperone.  Well, they did let her use a phone on day 4 to call and share that with me.  She went from taking the meds they offer to alcoholics to assist in detox to only being given vitamins and her b/c pills – by the doc on premises. This place is not fooling around.  I like it – I think she does too.

She is getting daily exercise, eating amazing and healthy food, seeing a counselor, attending groups sessions and learning how to cope.  She is now aware of how many others have addiction and choose to get help.  Some have checked into rehab multiple times, others have a heavy drug addiction, some are addicted to drugs and alcohol.  She has found a remarkable support system.

The hard part for her dad and me is that we live so far away we aren’t able to attend the family sessions where they teach how to support and set boundaries with our daughter.  I know we need this information.  It is so easy to enable or make it easy for an addict to stick to their bad habit.  I. Do. NOT. Want. To. Be. That. Person. Suggestions?  If you are reading and have tips for me please share them in the comment section.

I am considering visiting a local rehab facility to see if somehow I can find a class or session there to find out what happens next……