helpless

I Feel So Conflicted

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I cannot allow Kae’s fight to affect my physical well being but it seems it has and is trying to continue doing so.  At this point it is mind over matter for me.  You may have noticed I’ve been a bit absent in my journaling on Always My Daughter.  It totally helps me to share my trial on this path but there are days where I simply have to back off completely.

I was experiencing pain in my lower left hip and back and booty – where our emotional stress tends to settle.  After multiple trips to the chiropractor and masseuse I finally realized I cannot let Kae’s fight become mine too.  She is after-all a grown woman – yes, always my daughter, but a grown up!

My conflict comes from the pull to help her.  The pull in my back tells me to let it go.  Not let HER go but let her fight this battle in her own way.  It is ridiculously hard to do but I am slowly backing away from the thought process of fixing her!  I can’t.  I can only hope and pray that she chooses to “fix” herself – for real – SOON!

When one cannot bend over to put on their underwear or tie their shoes and there is no other apparent reason other than stress, that person has to make a change in how they are handling the stress.  That person is me.

Lately our conversations are a couple of times a week – this is still an adjustment for me.  I suspect that when she’s drinking – which she is again – she doesn’t really want to call me.  It’s getting easier to determine if she’s sober or not.  Remember I told her I wouldn’t be able to continue “drunk” dialing conversations!  I will however give credit where it is due – she has been honest and admitted it if I ask.

The conflict within is getting a bit easier yet at times I feel so heartless.  I am not heartless – my heart is however, broken!  I do not want to enable, harass nor ignore her.  I am doing my best to put boundaries in place while still loving her and letting her know I am here for her.

What else is there?

 

How About Happy Hour?

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This will make your jaw drop!  The incident I am about to tell you about happened almost 3 years ago.  In the beginning throes of drinking too much Kae decided one late fall day to go see a therapist/counselor regarding her marriage and her alcohol use.  At this time W was continually hounding her about her drinking – I can’t say how bad it was since I wasn’t around – (remember we don’t live close).  Back then it wasn’t even a case of drinking during the day but in the evenings when he’d come home from work and play his video game for countless hours.  A time, that in our family is always set aside for together time – sharing about our day and maybe having an alcoholic beverage, together.  Then dinner preparation, table setting, etc…Something done by everyone in the family.  In the case of Kae and W – 2 people.

I would like to take this time to interject that after arriving home from work W also usually did a few hits on a pipe full of marajuana and popped open a beer or two.  Kae would pour a glass of wine and then find herself ignored for the opportunity to play the game.  I suppose we could say, “she could’ve played the game too and then they would be together”.  Well we could say that…but video gaming is not her thing at all!  SO, no biggie until his game playing goes further into the night – well past cooking dinner time and guess what she was doing?  Finishing an entire bottle of wine and throwing something together for dinner – ALONE!  I might add this was a daily occurrence not an occasional one.

Realizing that her alcohol use was getting out of hand and feeling like her marriage was destined to be an unhappy one Kae turned to finding help.  After a little research she found a therapist and made an appointment.  She shared this information with her Dad and me and her husband – who upon finding out she was searching for someone to go to for help immediately laid down the law and forbade her to choose a male therapist.  Whatever – stupid and that should not matter but she chose a woman to keep him happy and headed to her first appointment about mid-afternoon.

We were all looking forward to hear how she felt about her visit and she called W and then me to fill us in on how it went.  Here’s the part where your jaw might fall open….

After W listened to a bit about the session – there’s not so much to tell after only one visit with a therapist – he said to her, “Great!  I’ll be home a little early to pick you up – we’re going to happy hour with Dave and Tim”.  WHAT THE HELL?????

My phone rang minutes later and crying into the phone she told me this story.  She begged off saying, “I just went to see someone about not drinking and he wants to take me to happy hour”, “I think he wants me to fail”, “What do I do Mom?”.  Of course my advice was to tell him, “NO” and follow up with that under no circumstance should “happy hour” be a part of their social time if he wanted her to stop drinking!  I urged her to tell him how serious she was about this situation – not only the alcohol use but their marriage too.  I suggested a bike ride, a walk, an alcohol free late afternoon picnic, a movie, anything where alcohol wasn’t the focus.

What do you think happened?  I’ll tell ya’ – he bullied her into going saying,” you can have just one or two glasses of wine”.  I imagine her eyes were red and swollen that evening from all the crying she did.  I hope he enjoyed himself!

I will never until the day I die understand his reasoning here.  Was it all about control?  Did he purposely set her up for failure by bullying her and constantly making plans around events where alcohol was prevalent?  Did he help the situation by not being willing to get alcohol out of the home?  Not drink himself? Oh – how about this one – don’t smoke pot either!

After this do you think she continued to go to her therapy sessions?  For a minute!  Then he started telling her how much more he knew than the therapist.  When she told him the therapist had suggested couples counseling he threw up his hands and infinitely told her he did not need help that she just needed to get well.  If I were guessing that night she popped a cork and downed a bottle of wine – ALONE.

Full of anxiety, fear, guilt and helplessness Kae became sad and lonely…..depressed too!

 

 

The 2 A.M. Phone Call – A True Nightmare

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If you are a parent you can relate to this – it’s 2am – you are sound asleep – your phone rings – it’s the ringtone for one of your children – you panic – you answer – you hold your breath – you don’t sleep anymore that night!  If you happen to fall back asleep you might have bad dreams because the phone call was a nightmare.

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Apparently the meme above should apply to our children at all stages of life not just to babies.  The familiar ring woke me up and I quickly grabbed for the phone – my husband was awakened too.  A sobbing Kae on the other end of the line. “Mom? I’m so sorry to call but….” sobbing…harder…Me, “honey what’s wrong?, I can’t understand you – take a deep breath”.

I slide out of bed grab my robe and head down the dark hallway to the living room sofa where I can talk without keeping my husband up.  Kae, “Mom I can’t do this anymore”. Me, “do what?”  By now I am beginning to realize she is pretty plastered.  My heart sinks, again.

She begins the dialogue. “Mom all he wants to do is belittle me and play that f*%king game.  He won’t pay any attention to me.  He won’t come to bed with me.”  Me, ” where are you?” Kae, “in my closet”. Me, “why are you in the closet?”  This is when she clicks me over to FaceTime.  In a way I wish she hadn’t because she looked God awful.  Drunk, red face, swollen eyes, hair looking as if rats lived in it.  It certainly opened my eyes as I’ve never seen her like this – ever!  Even on her worst sick day!  She was in the closet because as it turns out this is where she hid her wine and drank alone.

The conversation never really went anywhere.  It consisted of her saying “mom” a lot and me telling her to take a deep breath and go to bed, that we could talk the next day.  She begged me to stay on the line with her.  We got disconnected…she immediately called back.  We are into about 90 minutes of phone time now.  I answer and tell her not to do FaceTime because it’s dark……it worked for the moment and as I continued to talk to her I switched my phone to text and texted her husband…WHERE ARE YOU?  You need to go check on Kae.

Shortly after that he appears in the closet doorway and she quickly switches back to FaceTime.  So now I can see and hear everything.  He doesn’t seem to care. As he steps into the doorway he says,”What’s going on?” in a sickening sweet voice.  Next he coaxes her to the bed and lays down beside her with his arms crossed across his chest and a look of disgust on his face.  I understand it’s disgusting to see a drunk in action – especially if it’s someone you love.

She stayed on the phone a while longer – fading in and out – until I was able to convince her to hang up and get some sleep.  How do you think I felt?  Helpless, scared, confused for starters.  As I said I’ve never seen this before – not from my daughter or quite honestly anyone else.  This was the phone call that enlightened her Dad and me that what was happening in her life was a serious issue.  Our daughter….our precious daughter….

The next day we did talk and I encouraged her to seek help.  She did seek out a therapist.  You won’t believe what happened the first day she went for counseling after this incident.  I’ll tell you all about it in my next post.

Struggling With Lack Of Communication

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Ever since Kae went into rehab there has been an enormous lack of communication.  Today we had our first normal conversation in almost a month – it made me cry!

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She began to tell me about the withdrawal symptoms she is experiencing a few weeks after beginning her detox.  This is normal, it can last for weeks or months.  Her experience has been sleeplessness, night sweats, bizarre dreams and just not feeling great.  Luckily she’s only experienced this for the last couple of days.

She is about to finish her stint in rehab.  Will they address this?  Will she have a helpline in case of severe withdrawal symptoms now? As her mom of course these are concerns for me.  If I lived close I would be getting education from the center she chose and would be able to be with her.  She was planning on finding a counselor and confirming that this is normal and asking for advice on dealing with it.  I am trusting that the rehab center will absolutely address this issue and send her off with the ammunition she needs going forward.

Of course they will!

Our conversation was normal today – after the first week when she was allowed to call me she seemed like herself – sober on the first phone call.  She told me a little about the facility, the other addicts and her counselor.  Since then our conversations have seemed stiff and forced and obligatory.  This is not normal.  Today it was.

I feel hopeful that this will continue!

 

When Did She Become An Alcoholic?

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I am baffled.  How was she able to drink responsibly for so long and then BAM – she lost all control? My suspicions tell me her dreary marriage and controlling husband spurred her over the edge.  True or false?

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I ponder this question daily.  I will probably never have a concrete answer.

When I think back over the days since my daughter left for college up to after she got married I see a shift in her drinking pattern.  In college she worked in a bar – in hindsight her Dad and I wish we’d have discouraged that more adamantly – hindsight…always 20/20.  Anyway we didn’t, but it didn’t seem that her alcohol consumption was out of the ordinary.  No waking up and hitting the bottle, no sneaking around to acquire alcohol, no hiding it from her loved ones.

When we did step up and lay down an ultimatum was when we noticed that the nights were too late, the crowd inappropriate and the grades slipping.  Most of the people she met and chose to hang out with were already done with or hadn’t attended college so they could stay up till 4 and not worry about missing an 8am class.  That was not the case for Kae. Her Dad laid down the law and she quit that job.  Things got better and she graduated!  OH HAPPY DAY!

She quickly found a job and began to live life as a young, educated adult.  At this time her future husband and she moved in together.  Both employed and both behaving as any proud parent would anticipate.  What I recall is she never drank alone back then.

What I also recall is that after they were married and even a bit before, the angst I would see in her face when they would come for a visit or when we would spend a weekend with them.  The constant “I’m not happy” face – but how would her family know that this was becoming the norm.  I’d question her about it and she’d give me reasons….He wants to leave early so we can stop by his parents on the way home….( on a side note – his parents lived 45 minutes away from where K & W lived- we lived a few hours away) He doesn’t want to fight traffic, He doesn’t like the way I was putting on makeup this morning…He never wanted her to wear makeup or fix her hair.  I kick myself because these were clear cut signs that he was bullying her.  Again hindsight.

Its obvious now that living under his thumb was taking it’s toll on her.  Slowly and surely she turned to alcohol as an escape.  I remember getting up on the day they would be leaving and finding a few extra beer bottles or a polished off bottle of wine in the recycle.  I also remember asking a couple of times – “did you guys stay up late and drink all that?”  It was never pointed out that it was only her because at that time it wasn’t.  One point I make here is that if he thought she had a problem with alcohol all along why didn’t he tell us?  Why didn’t he get a handle on his own consumption?  More about that in a future post!

What I now see is that the pattern began then….after her marriage began to go south. It only became visible and apparent the last couple of years.  Day drinking was not involved, drinking to the point of passing out wasn’t happening, addiction had not taken hold.

Join me soon as I discuss more about how the story unfolds…….sadly my husband nor I saw it coming until it was too late.

Today I feel blessed that she sought help!

An Abusive Marriage

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It’s crazy but about a year after Kae and W tied the knot in a visually beautiful outdoor ceremony she confided in me that on the day of her wedding she knew it was destined to be an unhappy one – for her anyway.  This news came as a surprise to me – sort of…..

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A marriage blown’ in the wind and it hadn’t even begun.  WTF? I went through a slew of emotions in that moment…sadness, anger, curiosity, compassion, and lots of questions began to go through my head.

Me: Why didn’t you say something?  Her: I thought it would get better.  Me: What would get better?   Her: He’d be happy that I was his wife.  Me: Why are you unhappy?  Her: He says awful things to me, he tries to control me, he puts me down.  Me: He treats everyone that way I didn’t realize it was so serious.  Her: It’s okay mom it’ll get better.

Needless to say I left that conversation feeling empty and worried.  What hadn’t she shared with me?  At that time she shared most of what was happening with his verbal abuse which translates to emotional abuse.  She didn’t share about the time he threw a margarita glass at her which luckily missed her head and shattered into the wall behind her.  Didn’t mention the time he walked out in a rage, got in his truck and bumped into her body with said truck, as she tried to stop him from leaving. Alerting neighbors who were quickly dismissed – calling it a misunderstanding – an accident.  She didn’t tell me about the times he told her to “get the hell out of the room” so he could concentrate on his video games.  Her drinking was just beginning then…..

Fast forward about 2 years.  Bottom line  – while throwing a temper tantrum W threw a plate of food along with his knife and fork at Kae.  Remarkably the fork impaled her hand.  I don’t imagine that W expected that exact scenario but that’s what he got.  Kae called for help – finally.

The Signs

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This is what I wish for Kae…always my daughter.  I love her more than I am able to express.  If you are a parent you know this feeling – well, I hope you do.  Even through all the crap with her alcohol use my love does not diminish.  Nor will it ever.

I took me a while to trust the signs that were right before me.  I didn’t want to believe.  But after repeated conversations the signs became apparent and I knew deep down that she’d been drinking.  Sometimes it was only morning – more often it was night.  Many times it was afternoon…what am I saying here? I am saying that my daughter was drinking All. The. Time.

Countless hours on the telephone – remember we don’t live close.  I’d hang up and think, whew…that was exhausting…I hope she feels better.  I hope I said something that sets off a lightbulb.  I hope she follows through.  I hope she stops drinking NOW!

Her interest in my life was there but I began to notice she’d forget something we’d just spoken of only minutes earlier or maybe the day before.  It seemed contrived…her interest in her family.  This may seem selfish but it was normal for us to talk several times a day and trade stories about our lives.  We’ve been doing this for years so it wasn’t selfish on my part to notice her lack of interest in what was happening in my world.  I was showing an overwhelming interest in her life.  I would say that I was addicted to the addict.

A fake laugh, this weird way of saying, “hmmmm”, with a blurry, slurry tone, the sound of drinking something on the other end of the line.  The lengthy discussions about her irreparable marriage, her lies about how she slipped and fell while playing with neighbor kids and the accompanying bruises, her ratty hair and dull complexion.  Her constant narrative about how much she was doing around the house or how hard she was looking for work.  Oh yes – she’d been laid off  from her last big corporate job.  In the back of my mind I questioned the validity of all this.  Wondering if the lay-off was because somehow the big wigs in that company had noticed a shift in her productivity?  If so was it due to her lack of concentration from all the bullying from W or because she was hungover or…or…or…   Wondering was she honestly playing chase and slipped or was it because she was too drunk to have balance or had W decided to smack her?  How much time exactly was she spending applying for a another job?

When I arrived to visit it became so obvious that it was all a veil.  A veil to try and detract from her drinking.  A manipulation to cause me to feel sorry for her.  Piles of laundry dirty and clean scattered about the house.  A sink full of dishes that would always get cleaned up tomorrow.  Unmade bed, smelly overflowing trash cans, weeks old left-overs in the frig.  All of this showed me that all she was capable of was getting alcohol into her body and then believing in her own foggy mind that she was actually accomplishing something every day.  What is happening?  How many times did I ask this question – the million dollar inquiry!

One thing that began to stand out was this unnatural way she had, when she was drinking, of saying this one phrase over and over.  Anytime even a hint of her alcohol use, or lack or being productive, or failure to find work was brought up in conversation it would be met with this; “ohhhhh, ohhhhh, alrighty then”.  Dismissive at best.  This is not my Kae.  She’s never spoken like that in her life.  I suppose it was her way of  banishing any inkling of the true hard facts and staying in her alcohol bubble.  Watching and listening to these signs created chaos in my heart and in my head.

Seeing Addiction In Action

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Holy smoke!  If you love a person who suffers from addiction you are familiar with what I am going to talk about today.  If you don’t I’m here to tell you you have no clue.  To call it a nightmare is to put it mildly.

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At one stage in my daughter’s addictive path I spent a few weeks with her.  You know, I went to go “fix” everything.  To “fix” her.  That is a farce.  I knew when I went it was not possible.  She is an adult and even though I am still her mother I truly have no control.  Especially when she is in a drunken state.

I told her not to pick me up from the airport as I’d already experienced her showing up to fetch me once before – drunk!  Way too scary for me.  Speeding down the interstate, swerving a bit, and talking like a mad woman – nope I wasn’t up for that again.

I caught an Uber to her house and arrived long after dark.  She clearly had been drinking during the day but had apparently backed off a bit before I got there as she could carry on a conversation.  When I arrived her house was clean, she had prepared a few of my favorite snacks and had music playing.  She knows I like all of that.  What she didn’t seem to be aware of is the fact that I don’t like spending time with someone who is drunk.  So, yes she was semi-sober but not sober enough.  I had a couple bites of the food and then begged off on any sitting around chatting by claiming exhaustion from the lengthy flight.  She consented to washing our faces and getting in bed.

Ahhhhhh…I was tired and more stressed out than one can imagine.  I’d read a book about setting boundaries for addicts on my cross country flight and had written a bunch of notes and ideas down about what I needed to say the next morning.  I thought after we woke up and had a couple cups of coffee, while she was clear headed, would be the only time to have a conversation.  I think I took something to help me rest – to be prepared for the next day.

The next morning came as I expected.  We did sit and have a long talk about what is happening in her life and what to do about it.  I should have known better but she promised me she’d wean herself off of the alcohol in the next few days.  I questioned the validity of this concept but she swore she’d done it before – honestly I didn’t have a better answer.  I simply said, “ok but if it doesn’t work let’s talk about you going to rehab”.  She didn’t balk at the idea but a few minutes after our talk she got the shakes so bad that she had to pop the top on a beer…9:30 a.m. Knots in my stomach and throat…watching my beautiful daughter destroy her life.

The next few days she did wean off of alcohol…it lasted for about 4 days.  She got past the shakes and the cravings.  We kept ourselves busy with walks and talks and cooking and shopping.  Then it all went to hell in a hand basket.  She ran to the store….alone…..big mistake…but as I told my husband, ” I cannot follow her around 24-7.  I can’t stop her from getting in a car and running an errand.”  I would have liked to have my nose up her backside minute by minute but I needed to see the reality of what would happen if I didn’t.  I knew in my gut it wouldn’t be pretty.

She bought Vodka, I think.  Clear and easily added to a glass of lemonade or water!  Not only did she smell of alcohol but her behavior became what I’d already become familiar with when she was drinking.  Ugliness in her words, glaring eyes, phony laughter, asking me to repeat myself, and a couple of certain phrases that were key to me knowing if she’d been at the bottle.  I felt uneasy in my own skin, with my own child.

This is where it becames impossible to cope.  Questioning her alcohol use only got me a verbal lashing or a bunch of bullshit. “I had one beer”, “You’re imagining things”, “I don’t know why I smell like alcohol – I’m not drinking”.  All unbelievable and a mother begins to question herself and what she needs to do.

I survived a couple of vicious verbal attacks from my daughter and several mini oral attacks.  All followed up with an apology later or the next day.  Those attacks were reminders to me of what she’d dealt with from W.  Did that make it ok?  Of course not…but my heart remained shattered.  I constantly reminded her I love her no matter what, but I like sober Kae not drunk/addicted Kae.

We had a couple of good days and a few more awful ones.  She often reminisced about how we used to be able to go out and have a glass of wine or two together, or how while preparing a meal we’d pour a glass of wine.  She reflected how fun that was and wished we could do that again.  I flat out said, “NO” until I wore thin and said, “ok let’s have one glass”.  I wanted to shoot myself as I couldn’t have made a more harmful decision.  She couldn’t stick to just one…and the next time I said,”no” she ordered for herself anyway.  What the heck is a mother supposed to do in a crowded restaurant?  Make a scene?  I guess I should have – I’ll probably never see those people again, but it goes against my grain.

As for being in the confines of her home…as I said I had no control over her getting into a car and running a few errands.  Each time I knew she was really going out to get alcohol. I was smart enough not to tempt any physical altercation.  Once at home she’d safely hide it somewhere and her many trips to the bathroom or closet were a sure sign – if the smell and behavior weren’t enough.

My poor husband, her daddy, the only person I was willing to discuss any of this with.  Feeling isolated, scared, angry, confused, tearful, sad, and helpless!  Those were the feelings I experienced continually…sometimes all at once other times I was overtaken by just one.  Just one.  Pick one.  If you could pick just one which would be the lesser of all the evils?

I felt our relationship being compromised.  I knew I was going to loose this battle.  I knew it was time to go home.  I felt a wall going up – for me it was for protection.  I suppose she felt the same.  If she constructed a wall of deceit she could convince herself  that her path was ok.  I knew she knew – it wasn’t.