choices

I Feel So Conflicted

/ alwaysmydaughterjourney / Leave a comment

66b0e4f228e81753196f6d2d7bae35b1--torn-quotes-poetry-quotes

I cannot allow Kae’s fight to affect my physical well being but it seems it has and is trying to continue doing so.  At this point it is mind over matter for me.  You may have noticed I’ve been a bit absent in my journaling on Always My Daughter.  It totally helps me to share my trial on this path but there are days where I simply have to back off completely.

I was experiencing pain in my lower left hip and back and booty – where our emotional stress tends to settle.  After multiple trips to the chiropractor and masseuse I finally realized I cannot let Kae’s fight become mine too.  She is after-all a grown woman – yes, always my daughter, but a grown up!

My conflict comes from the pull to help her.  The pull in my back tells me to let it go.  Not let HER go but let her fight this battle in her own way.  It is ridiculously hard to do but I am slowly backing away from the thought process of fixing her!  I can’t.  I can only hope and pray that she chooses to “fix” herself – for real – SOON!

When one cannot bend over to put on their underwear or tie their shoes and there is no other apparent reason other than stress, that person has to make a change in how they are handling the stress.  That person is me.

Lately our conversations are a couple of times a week – this is still an adjustment for me.  I suspect that when she’s drinking – which she is again – she doesn’t really want to call me.  It’s getting easier to determine if she’s sober or not.  Remember I told her I wouldn’t be able to continue “drunk” dialing conversations!  I will however give credit where it is due – she has been honest and admitted it if I ask.

The conflict within is getting a bit easier yet at times I feel so heartless.  I am not heartless – my heart is however, broken!  I do not want to enable, harass nor ignore her.  I am doing my best to put boundaries in place while still loving her and letting her know I am here for her.

What else is there?

 

My Biggest Fears

/ alwaysmydaughterjourney / Leave a comment

Why girl crying

In my last post abut Kae’s self-centeredness I mentioned how her Dad said one night, “she’s going to die”.  Do you know how shocking it was to hear him say that?  His voice cracked at the words.  We are afraid.  We love our daughter deeply.  We feel helpless – we are helpless.  We cannot “fix” her, control her or punish her for her bad choices.  She’s not 4 anymore.  Boy was she something when she was 4 – smart, inquisitive, funny, cute and talented.

What happened?  A parent  – me – my husband – cannot imagine how she ended up on this awful journey.  Why?  Why did this happen – why can’t she get a grip on her life?  SO many questions……..

I used to imagine her life – happy, vibrant, successful – for a time it was.  What the hell happened?  I mean I know the marriage sucked, she was laid-off from a great job….but why did she choose such a self-destructive manner in which to tackle these circumstances?

Now when I think about her future I don’t know what to visualize. Will she recover or be  homeless, dead, down and out?  I try to picture her coming out of this and going back to the beautiful, smart and talented young woman  – the one that is still residing in her – somewhere….I desperately want to love that girl again.

I feel empty and sad and fearful, but I love her so very much – she will always be my daughter.

It’s All About Me

/ alwaysmydaughterjourney / Leave a comment

8f18873b727ec0866806dd56f7fd8143--selfish-people-toxic-people

Kae has taken on a copious amount of self pity and self absorption.  It’s pathetic at times. But she will always be my daughter and I love her no matter, it just makes it hard to like her at times.  Her self-centeredness seems to often cause her to be somewhat of a bully.  Yuck!

The fact that she has been drinking again certainly exacerbates this behavior.  It’s interesting when she is under the influence she seems to have little or no interest in what anyone else in her family is doing, how they are feeling or what is happening in their day. Not only does she seem completely disinterested in anyone else but seems to be somewhat of a bully – making snide comments or laughing at one of us.  Trying to set up a conversation whereby she can laugh at the other person.  It’s mean!

Her younger sister has gotten to where she pretty much never answers Kae’s calls as she seems to always be the brunt of some nastiness.  Some self-righteous holier than thou remarks about her education and maturity…which I am sad to say is laughable at this point.  That education and her level of maturity aren’t doing her one bit of good today.  Jobless and stuck in a rut I’m clear on this fact – she has no room to laugh at anyone else, put them down or criticize.

My heart once again breaks as my baby girl is so disheartened to see her older, role model of a sister going down this harrowing path.  She can no longer look up to her model behavior of the past.  It makes her so sad and yet she can’t bear to be belittled and tortured by meaningless, hateful, drunk conversations.  She wants to “fix” it.  I remind her we can’t.

Just this week Kae called me twice and I didn’t answer as I had just sat down in a restaurant, alone to enjoy a meal.  When my phone rang a third time I decided I’d better pick up. She had connected the three of us to a conference call and thought it was hilariously funny when I couldn’t make sense of who I was speaking with.  When I finally realized we were all three on the phone call and heard my baby girl say, “I’m at work”, I knew she could not stay on the line.

Kae started a ramble about some pain and swelling in her jaw, with complete disregard to little one being at work and no idea what Mom was up to.  Recently she had tripped and fallen – landing on her chin and splitting it wide open – requiring 6 stitches.  It pains me to write this as I know she’d been drinking when she fell.  She tried to blow it off by saying she’d tripped over some tree roots and fallen, perfectly sober.  Perfectly a lie!  Drawing all attention to a possible medical issue – with not one concern for what her sister or her mom might be in the middle of.  Baby girl hung up – I stayed on for a few minutes and encouraged her to go to the ER if she was concerned that this was something serious.  Then I got off – feeling empty.  Always worried that I could be the one being self-centered.

My stomach goes in knots – yet I remain perplexed as to how she can go on like this. Tell me, how can she?  Marriage down the drain, jobless, stitches in your face, friends and neighbors – OH and family concerned for her safety and well being yet she continues on this crazy path of destruction.  Her Dad says, “she’s going to die”.  He doesn’t say this without a break in his voice – but at this point he can only imagine what else could possibly happen.

Remember she lives across the country.  Should we try to go get her?  She’s a grown woman…I’m not sure we can force her to do anything.  Her Dad did call her the next day and plant a seed….she can come to where we live for a while and try to find work in our area.  Is this the answer?  We don’t know but it is about our last straw in reaching out and offering a better life.  She cannot come and stay forever, for free.  She can come and seek work, save a little money and then find a little place to rent……ahhhhhh…I wish!

We are afraid she will never recover from this life of madness if she remains where she is – in that house, that town, that state of mind.

She will always be my daughter…..

What About All Those Other People At Rehab?

/ alwaysmydaughterjourney / Leave a comment

group-of-business-people-clipart-16876016-group-of-young-people

It seems there is a mass text message among the folks from rehab.  Kae spent 30 days with these people.  Some were there for alcohol abuse, most there for drugs and or a drug/alcohol combo.  After she came out she told me how much worse off all these guys and gals were due to their circumstances at home.  Most would be going home to bitter families, non-supportive and not understanding….well, I mean I don’t understand but I support her decision to detox!

Some of the people she is referring to are much younger than Kae.  Some don’t even have an invitation to go home.  They are off into never-never land equipped with whatever they grasped at rehab.  This is scary!  I mention the others from rehab as I am curious – are these people good for my daughter?  Is it normal to remain friends with those you meet in rehab?

My daughter is a very pretty young lady.  It is normal for guys to want to hang out with her and I’m sure lending a shoulder to cry on is easy when the girl is pretty.  It concerns me that she will spend time with – let’s say those guys who were detoxing from meth or opiates – will her tender and fragile state make it easy for them to suck her down that path?  She’s proven already that going back to her addiction came easily – will it for these others was well?  Am I wasting my time thinking about this?

Maybe I am worrying about something I shouldn’t.  She’s spoken some about meeting up with a group of her rehab friends – but it has not happened yet.  I don’t have any control over this situation anyway…..

Moving on…….thanks for reading!  Any comments you can contribute – especially if you have been in either situation – mine or Kae’s – could be helpful!

 

Coming Home From Rehab

/ alwaysmydaughterjourney / Leave a comment

Unknown

My heart broke the entire time Kae was at the rehab facility because I am so far away I was never able to visit her or attend any of the family sessions.  I feel her Dad and I missed out on valuable info that could help us support her in recovery.

Have you attended these types of meetings? Do you have experience with this?  Can you pass along any info, suggestions, tips or hints around this subject?  I’d be eternally grateful to hear from you.

Since she’s come out she has shared with me that I need to know I cannot help her- only support her in recovery.  I understand that – I spent an immeasurable amount of time trying to “help” all to no avail.  I can’t help but wonder though, are there things I shouldn’t say?  Are there subjects to be avoided?

She’s mentioned “triggers” – conversations or such that may make her wish for a drink of alcohol.  I remind myself this is not my responsibility to prevent this but hers.  A mother’s love runs so deep it’s damn near impossible for her to yearn to be certain not be the person who says or does something that may pull one of those triggers.

Boundaries – it’s about boundaries.  She knows where she needs to set her boundaries.  Kae told me she learned tons about setting her own boundaries at rehab.  Are there any for her parents?

So many questions…….

Countless Hours On The Phone

/ alwaysmydaughterjourney / Leave a comment

communication-afternoon

Before my daughter decided to check herself into rehab we spoke daily.  I don’t mean just one or two times a day I mean sometimes for 2-3 hours at a time during the day and often times another hour or 2 at. night.  I was exhausted! During the last several months before W threw his plate, knife and fork at her and for several weeks after I also found myself having multiple lengthy conversations with him.

See that drawing above?  That’s how the conversations usually felt with both of them.  With Kae it was a guessing game as to her state of soberness.  Many conversations I knew I was speaking with a drunk person, at times it was questionable and occasionally I knew she was sober.  With W, I spent considerable time asking questions that would verify something she’d told me about his behavior, or asking him what he wanted to do about their situation.

A few times I’d get a phone call from my daughter after having spoken to him where she would say, “something you said must’ve clicked because he’s being super nice”.  That never lasted more than a day or two.  When speaking with him he would express how hard it was to deal with an alcoholic (no shit), he’d tell me he just didn’t know what to do, he would divulge occurrences like, “she drank so much at the wedding she fell down”.

My end of the conversation went something like this, “have you gotten rid of all the alcohol in your house?  Are you still smoking pot every day?  Why do’t you go with her to a counselor and seek that help?  Are you talking to your parents about this?  Can you give up drinking to be supportive of her if she quits?  And on and on and on ……..

In hindsight none of my chatter did a bit of good.  In response to my question regarding if he was talking to his own family about the situation his response was always,” they just know about Kae and how much she drinks – they are worried about her”.  SO what this tells me is that he didn’t divulge anything regarding his bad behavior.

After he impaled her with a fork my conversations initially escalated with him but soon began to diminish.  Somehow it didn’t seem right to carry on conversations with a person who hurt my daughter.  At one point he told me, “my parents aren’t involved”.. I responded with, “I wish they would get involved so you’d have some input from them.”  I told him this knowing that I was about to cut off communication with him.  I was sick and tired of hearing all the blame being placed on her – in his eyes it is her fault the fork went through her hand and glass shattered and cut her arms and hands.  Once I realized he wasn’t about to accept responsibility for his own choice to throw the items at her I gave up having conversation with him.

Whew, one down and one to go.  After the incident with the fork for a good 6 or so weeks I spent many days with phone in hand – multitasking.  Making the bed, loading the dishwasher, folding laundry, taking a much needed walk, chopping veggies, getting ready to go to work.  Lucky for me I only work a few hours a week at a non-stressful job.  Most of the time Kae was full of babble – drunk or headed in that direction babble.  I know that many of our conversations were her trying to decipher what the hell was going on in her life and how did she get there.  I was over the lecturing as I knew by now that it did no good.  If anything I’d make a quick comment like, ” well as long as alcohol is involved nothing seems to be going in a good direction”.  It is a mother’s hope that one time – just one – that those words would ignite a fire in her daughter to take herself to a detox facility and check in.

I don’t think it was because of me that she finally went – it simply, finally clicked in her head.  That was what I’d been waiting for, praying for and wishing for.  At this stage W doesn’t even know she went.  I do question – what would he think?  It doesn’t matter though does it?  He’s got his own set of problems.  I am thankful that the lightbulb went off for her!

The Letter – I Never Sent

/ alwaysmydaughterjourney / 4 Comments

person writing a letter

This is the letter I wrote to Kae and never sent.  In a way I wish she could read it but on the other hand it wouldn’t have changed anything at the time.  She was still in denial of her alcohol abuse and my words would have gone in one ear and out the other – so to speak.

Since she has been home from rehab and in recovery mode she has told me that all the talks and suggestions her Dad and I had with her – all the promises she made to shut us up are typical of a family struggling with addiction.  You know, I knew this all along but what I didn’t know was, what to do.  I did know she had to make the choice on her own to enter rehab and have it be effective.  She tells me she understands we didn’t know what to do or say and that she is blessed to have a family that doesn’t turn their backs on her as so many families do.

In rehab she heard stories of families who refuse to accept their addicts condition or choice to get help.  She shared some of these situations with me and hers is different in regards to the support she will get from her family as she continues in recovery.  She is blessed!

I’ll share this letter with you and maybe someday with her.

Good morning my sweet daughter,

Let me start by saying “I love you more than you can imagine”. Everything I am about to say is because of the deep and infinite love I have for you! Please remember this as you read my letter.

I want you to know that I agree with your statement last night, “all of this is not my fault”. There are certainly many contributing factors that have led you to the mess you now find yourself in. SO much of that was not in your control.

What you do going forward is completely in your control. Your issues with alcohol seem to be situational, yet the situation isn’t changing. So I don’t see how you will get sober if you stay where you are. The first step to getting out of this mess is for you to admit – sincerely that this is the biggest problem. Clearly, choosing alcohol in the manner you have is not working for you, your relationship or your well being! It not only affects you but many of those around you.

Had I not seen the ugliness of what the alcohol does to you I’d question it more – but having seen for myself I can’t question it anymore. It is an issue only you can fix! I have faith in you that you can climb out of this mess but only if you choose that path.

I know you say you feel ambushed! I suppose I might feel the same if I was in your shoes. What I wonder is…do you realize that the people who are stepping forward are doing so out of love and concern for your happiness and health? I wish you could realize it is not for any other reason.

I want to tell you about a phone call I had yesterday. It was with Lenny. He contacted me, as James had called him. He loves you and wants to spend time with you. He wondered if I knew about all that was going on. I told him I do and that we speak pretty much, daily. He went on to say that unless you were able to get sober he would not be able to spend time with you. He told me about a couple of times where you’d passed out at dinner in his home. He told me he won’t allow that to happen in the future. He believes you are in denial of your alcohol issues and refuse to seek help or change your ways. He told me I should share this with you and he would risk your being angry about it in hopes that you will change it! He talked about how beautiful, smart and fun you are yet you are not in a place for those qualities to shine! He, as everyone else doesn’t know what to do.

I am reminded of the times you’ve told me about incidents, how many people told me after Seth’s rehearsal night how drunk you were, the 2 am phone call, our closet confrontation, the night you picked me up from the airport…..Every one of those incidents are contributed to your alcohol use – maybe there were other issues that caused you to choose to drink but it was and is your choice and only your choice. You can’t live your life based on what “everyone” else is doing if it doesn’t work for you. This isn’t working and you need to remove yourself from THIS situation.

This is a crazy situation. You are not yourself, not the girl I know. I know she’s inside you somewhere and I’d really love to see her emerge. You have your whole life ahead of you – I can NOT imagine why you would want to spend it like this. Alcohol is NOT the answer it IS the problem.

When you admit it and choose to take the path to recovering from it your life will be amazing like you. Any chance this is going to happen?

I don’t want lip-service I want to see action! In this case actions definitely speak much louder than words! How can I help? I’d be happy to come to be with you while you figure this out and begin to seek help. I’ll be with you every step of the way.

 

I love you and you’ll always be my daughter,

Mom

 

 

 

To Tell Or Not To Tell

/ alwaysmydaughterjourney / Leave a comment

The events that happened in my last two posts were near the holidays.  Thanksgiving was coming followed by Christmas.  It was their year to spend it with his family.  They we’re planning a road trip for Christmas.  W thought it a good idea to tell his family and have them send out a mass text message to get the word out to extended family members who would be present during the holiday festivities.  This outraged Kae, but it was too late the message had gone out to a bunch of family members. It went something like this….

whispering-300x300

Dear family – W has brought it to our attention the Kae may be an alcoholic.  She’s drinking too much and he is trying his best to help her through this.  She won’t be drinking during the holidays.  Don’t be surprised.

It’s no wonder she was furious.  Do you think anyone stepped up and removed alcohol from their plans?  Nope!  On their first night at his parents house his mom showed her where to find the non-alcoholic wine and beer and everyone else proceeded to pour their alcoholic beverage of choice.  Okay providing some non-alcoholic beverages was a nice gesture but really people…what kind of support is that?

The bigger picture here is that his mom and her sisters drink like fish and continued to do so knowing that Kae might be struggling with alcohol use.  Her husband also drank as much as he liked and continued to harass her about how she couldn’t and shouldn’t drink any. Kae was able to make it through most meals or cocktail hours without imbibing, feeling a bit lonely and left out as everyone else poured and poured and poured.  Finally she decided she could handle a glass or two of wine with everyone else and so poured herself some.  At that time she was able to control how much.

That holiday we were able to spend one evening with Kae and W and chose not to serve alcohol nor have it available.  It seemed a bit uncomfortable but that’s because it’s not the norm, but what family wouldn’t be happy to accommodate a loved one who may be struggling with alcoholism?  At this time we weren’t even sure if she was truly an alcoholic or not.

She abstained the majority of that holiday trying to please W but it got her nowhere because as soon as they returned home everything went back to status quo.  So she began to drink in her closet again.

Should W have told his family and allowed them to spread the word like wildfire?  Would it have been better to have a private and personal conversation with his immediate family and let her do the talking?  Just curious if you’ve experienced a situation such as this how did you handle it?

And if you’re thinking that I seem a bit angry with his family you are correct.  Writing about it helps me let go because anger towards them does not serve me in any positive way.  As I tell you more about their behavior with the abuse you may come to understand better why I feel a bit incensed with their response or lack of to this entire situation.

The 2 A.M. Phone Call – A True Nightmare

/ alwaysmydaughterjourney / Leave a comment

If you are a parent you can relate to this – it’s 2am – you are sound asleep – your phone rings – it’s the ringtone for one of your children – you panic – you answer – you hold your breath – you don’t sleep anymore that night!  If you happen to fall back asleep you might have bad dreams because the phone call was a nightmare.

sleep7

Apparently the meme above should apply to our children at all stages of life not just to babies.  The familiar ring woke me up and I quickly grabbed for the phone – my husband was awakened too.  A sobbing Kae on the other end of the line. “Mom? I’m so sorry to call but….” sobbing…harder…Me, “honey what’s wrong?, I can’t understand you – take a deep breath”.

I slide out of bed grab my robe and head down the dark hallway to the living room sofa where I can talk without keeping my husband up.  Kae, “Mom I can’t do this anymore”. Me, “do what?”  By now I am beginning to realize she is pretty plastered.  My heart sinks, again.

She begins the dialogue. “Mom all he wants to do is belittle me and play that f*%king game.  He won’t pay any attention to me.  He won’t come to bed with me.”  Me, ” where are you?” Kae, “in my closet”. Me, “why are you in the closet?”  This is when she clicks me over to FaceTime.  In a way I wish she hadn’t because she looked God awful.  Drunk, red face, swollen eyes, hair looking as if rats lived in it.  It certainly opened my eyes as I’ve never seen her like this – ever!  Even on her worst sick day!  She was in the closet because as it turns out this is where she hid her wine and drank alone.

The conversation never really went anywhere.  It consisted of her saying “mom” a lot and me telling her to take a deep breath and go to bed, that we could talk the next day.  She begged me to stay on the line with her.  We got disconnected…she immediately called back.  We are into about 90 minutes of phone time now.  I answer and tell her not to do FaceTime because it’s dark……it worked for the moment and as I continued to talk to her I switched my phone to text and texted her husband…WHERE ARE YOU?  You need to go check on Kae.

Shortly after that he appears in the closet doorway and she quickly switches back to FaceTime.  So now I can see and hear everything.  He doesn’t seem to care. As he steps into the doorway he says,”What’s going on?” in a sickening sweet voice.  Next he coaxes her to the bed and lays down beside her with his arms crossed across his chest and a look of disgust on his face.  I understand it’s disgusting to see a drunk in action – especially if it’s someone you love.

She stayed on the phone a while longer – fading in and out – until I was able to convince her to hang up and get some sleep.  How do you think I felt?  Helpless, scared, confused for starters.  As I said I’ve never seen this before – not from my daughter or quite honestly anyone else.  This was the phone call that enlightened her Dad and me that what was happening in her life was a serious issue.  Our daughter….our precious daughter….

The next day we did talk and I encouraged her to seek help.  She did seek out a therapist.  You won’t believe what happened the first day she went for counseling after this incident.  I’ll tell you all about it in my next post.

Feeling Guilty Yes Or No?

/ alwaysmydaughterjourney / Leave a comment

When a loved one is suffering I find it hard to feel 100% joyful.  You know if they’re under the weather, suffering a loss, had a breakup, lost a job.  I have been having a severely hard time feeling happy knowing where my daughter has been.  And by where she has been I mean, for the last couple of years she has been in a bad place.  A place of self-destruction, pain, falseness and fear.  Tell me how in the world a mother can feel joy knowing her daughter is in that place?  I feel guilty feeling fantastic when my precious daughter is passed out at 2 in the afternoon from the effects of too much booze.

ID-10087041

After I read the book about setting boundaries I begin to take a look at myself and question whether or not it’s ok to laugh, to take pleasure in an event, to take a trip and have fun.  I decided then that I had no choice but to do those things and do them freely.  After all I am not the addict and I do not make her choices for her.  I get to choose myself what I want to do and how I feel, how I react to what ever life hands me.

That is when I started taking long walks daily and enjoying those moments.  Stopping to smell the roses, literally, laughing at kids playing on a playground, petting someones’s friendly dog – if only for an hour a day I was finding some joy!  It felt good – kind of…

Since then I’ve said to my husband on more than one occasion that I refuse to let her choices affect every waking moment of my day.  My husband and I have an active and adventurous lifestyle.  Meeting friends for a cold beer, hosting a dinner party or hitting the local bike trails, we take pleasure in life.  Now does this mean I don’t think about her or wonder how her day is going…do I fret over when the next frantic or plastered phone call will come…Well yes, I do but I’ve made a conscious decision not to allow myself to be addicted to her anymore.

I do not feel guilty…I do feel sad when her day is miserable…it’s her choice.  I mourn it and move on.  I may mourn it more than once throughout the day but it’s not consuming my entire life.  That is one reason I decided to record this journey.  In hopes that it will lighten my load, take if off my chest and allow me to carry on with joy.  So for now I am throwing my guilt out the freakin’ window!

It’ll continue to be a learning process to stay in this mind set.  I know I am not the only one who is living this  – this life of loving a daughter who is an addict.  You know, that’s still really hard to say and I’m not too keen on saying that to just anybody but I did just say it to the entire universe!

I’ll be sharing more about Kae’s failed marriage and how all that came to be, soon.  What happened to trigger her need or desire to drink, then to drink too much and so on.  From the outside in it’s not that hard to visualize how it all came to be  –  in hindsight.

Always My Daughter