This is the letter I wrote to Kae and never sent. In a way I wish she could read it but on the other hand it wouldn’t have changed anything at the time. She was still in denial of her alcohol abuse and my words would have gone in one ear and out the other – so to speak.
Since she has been home from rehab and in recovery mode she has told me that all the talks and suggestions her Dad and I had with her – all the promises she made to shut us up are typical of a family struggling with addiction. You know, I knew this all along but what I didn’t know was, what to do. I did know she had to make the choice on her own to enter rehab and have it be effective. She tells me she understands we didn’t know what to do or say and that she is blessed to have a family that doesn’t turn their backs on her as so many families do.
In rehab she heard stories of families who refuse to accept their addicts condition or choice to get help. She shared some of these situations with me and hers is different in regards to the support she will get from her family as she continues in recovery. She is blessed!
I’ll share this letter with you and maybe someday with her.
Good morning my sweet daughter,
Let me start by saying “I love you more than you can imagine”. Everything I am about to say is because of the deep and infinite love I have for you! Please remember this as you read my letter.
I want you to know that I agree with your statement last night, “all of this is not my fault”. There are certainly many contributing factors that have led you to the mess you now find yourself in. SO much of that was not in your control.
What you do going forward is completely in your control. Your issues with alcohol seem to be situational, yet the situation isn’t changing. So I don’t see how you will get sober if you stay where you are. The first step to getting out of this mess is for you to admit – sincerely that this is the biggest problem. Clearly, choosing alcohol in the manner you have is not working for you, your relationship or your well being! It not only affects you but many of those around you.
Had I not seen the ugliness of what the alcohol does to you I’d question it more – but having seen for myself I can’t question it anymore. It is an issue only you can fix! I have faith in you that you can climb out of this mess but only if you choose that path.
I know you say you feel ambushed! I suppose I might feel the same if I was in your shoes. What I wonder is…do you realize that the people who are stepping forward are doing so out of love and concern for your happiness and health? I wish you could realize it is not for any other reason.
I want to tell you about a phone call I had yesterday. It was with Lenny. He contacted me, as James had called him. He loves you and wants to spend time with you. He wondered if I knew about all that was going on. I told him I do and that we speak pretty much, daily. He went on to say that unless you were able to get sober he would not be able to spend time with you. He told me about a couple of times where you’d passed out at dinner in his home. He told me he won’t allow that to happen in the future. He believes you are in denial of your alcohol issues and refuse to seek help or change your ways. He told me I should share this with you and he would risk your being angry about it in hopes that you will change it! He talked about how beautiful, smart and fun you are yet you are not in a place for those qualities to shine! He, as everyone else doesn’t know what to do.
I am reminded of the times you’ve told me about incidents, how many people told me after Seth’s rehearsal night how drunk you were, the 2 am phone call, our closet confrontation, the night you picked me up from the airport…..Every one of those incidents are contributed to your alcohol use – maybe there were other issues that caused you to choose to drink but it was and is your choice and only your choice. You can’t live your life based on what “everyone” else is doing if it doesn’t work for you. This isn’t working and you need to remove yourself from THIS situation.
This is a crazy situation. You are not yourself, not the girl I know. I know she’s inside you somewhere and I’d really love to see her emerge. You have your whole life ahead of you – I can NOT imagine why you would want to spend it like this. Alcohol is NOT the answer it IS the problem.
When you admit it and choose to take the path to recovering from it your life will be amazing like you. Any chance this is going to happen?
I don’t want lip-service I want to see action! In this case actions definitely speak much louder than words! How can I help? I’d be happy to come to be with you while you figure this out and begin to seek help. I’ll be with you every step of the way.
I love you and you’ll always be my daughter,