happiness

Hoping Not Knowing

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You know I was having coffee with a friend and we were discussing Kae’s situation in terms of the impending divorce.  I mentioned how many times my daughter has said to me, “all I want is a marriage like you and dad have”.  That comment got me to thinking about how you get a good, solid, respectful, safe and happy marriage.

It also got me to thinking about how when Kae and W took their vows I’m almost certain she only hoped that it would be a solid marriage but she didn’t know it would be!  She wasn’t certain, but she pushed those thoughts aside.  Now there are many contributing factors to a “good” marriage but when abuse is already taking place I think we would all agree it’s not going to be one of those!

Had she shared about W’s abusive behavior before the wedding I’m certain her dad and I would’ve seriously had her reconsider going into this marriage.  You know her alcohol use was normal before she was in this relationship….I wonder, of course if it will be normal when the divorce is final and she can move on…..And as of now she is doing great!

So what makes a good marriage? Trust, respect, a sense of humor, honesty, flexibility, kindness, generosity, willingness to help, understanding, compassion. To me those are all important.  Feeling safe too, and she didn’t, but we didn’t know.

They went for counseling before the wedding day – a few times and had the priest convinced that they had their act together and were good candidates for marriage.  W had us convinced too….I mean there were occasional smart ass comments, or odd little things but we had no idea what was to come.

Now I am thinking she was hoping and she did know….she knew it might not last….but hoped it would.  I am hopeful that the next time she finds a man and is proposed to (I am confident this will happen sometime in the future) that she will know for certain it is right and good and can simply hope that she doesn’t trip going down the aisle!

So much to think about.

Miracles Do Happen

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When I last posted I mentioned that I hoped when we returned from our trip that some good stuff would have miraculously happened in Kae’s life.  I am pleased to announce that two of the things I’d hoped for came true. 1. She was served with a divorce summons!

Not something that a mother would normally be happy about but under the circumstances – domestic violence – this mother is happy!  Of course this summons comes after W cut off the water, electricity, internet, cable, cancelled credit cards, changed bank accounts and ceased contributing to the mortgage payment.  He wrote a clause in the papers stating that from the day she was served “both parties are restrained from making any changes to any insurance, bank accounts, etc….. So calculated!

2. She also found employment one day a week with a law firm – not the one she will use to finalize her impending divorce.  I do not know if it’s these two facts that contributed to her decision to halt the alcohol use again – but she has been sober for several weeks now.  Crossing my fingers that she can continue down this path.  Like….crossing my toes and arms and legs too!

In the last few weeks – actually it began to happen while we were away – my conversations with her turned for the better.  I didn’t hang up wondering, “is she drinking?” . I hung up knowing she was sober by her voice, her words, her laugh.  You may not have any idea how good this feels.

Today I remain hopeful!

My Biggest Fears

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In my last post abut Kae’s self-centeredness I mentioned how her Dad said one night, “she’s going to die”.  Do you know how shocking it was to hear him say that?  His voice cracked at the words.  We are afraid.  We love our daughter deeply.  We feel helpless – we are helpless.  We cannot “fix” her, control her or punish her for her bad choices.  She’s not 4 anymore.  Boy was she something when she was 4 – smart, inquisitive, funny, cute and talented.

What happened?  A parent  – me – my husband – cannot imagine how she ended up on this awful journey.  Why?  Why did this happen – why can’t she get a grip on her life?  SO many questions……..

I used to imagine her life – happy, vibrant, successful – for a time it was.  What the hell happened?  I mean I know the marriage sucked, she was laid-off from a great job….but why did she choose such a self-destructive manner in which to tackle these circumstances?

Now when I think about her future I don’t know what to visualize. Will she recover or be  homeless, dead, down and out?  I try to picture her coming out of this and going back to the beautiful, smart and talented young woman  – the one that is still residing in her – somewhere….I desperately want to love that girl again.

I feel empty and sad and fearful, but I love her so very much – she will always be my daughter.

To Tell Or Not To Tell

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The events that happened in my last two posts were near the holidays.  Thanksgiving was coming followed by Christmas.  It was their year to spend it with his family.  They we’re planning a road trip for Christmas.  W thought it a good idea to tell his family and have them send out a mass text message to get the word out to extended family members who would be present during the holiday festivities.  This outraged Kae, but it was too late the message had gone out to a bunch of family members. It went something like this….

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Dear family – W has brought it to our attention the Kae may be an alcoholic.  She’s drinking too much and he is trying his best to help her through this.  She won’t be drinking during the holidays.  Don’t be surprised.

It’s no wonder she was furious.  Do you think anyone stepped up and removed alcohol from their plans?  Nope!  On their first night at his parents house his mom showed her where to find the non-alcoholic wine and beer and everyone else proceeded to pour their alcoholic beverage of choice.  Okay providing some non-alcoholic beverages was a nice gesture but really people…what kind of support is that?

The bigger picture here is that his mom and her sisters drink like fish and continued to do so knowing that Kae might be struggling with alcohol use.  Her husband also drank as much as he liked and continued to harass her about how she couldn’t and shouldn’t drink any. Kae was able to make it through most meals or cocktail hours without imbibing, feeling a bit lonely and left out as everyone else poured and poured and poured.  Finally she decided she could handle a glass or two of wine with everyone else and so poured herself some.  At that time she was able to control how much.

That holiday we were able to spend one evening with Kae and W and chose not to serve alcohol nor have it available.  It seemed a bit uncomfortable but that’s because it’s not the norm, but what family wouldn’t be happy to accommodate a loved one who may be struggling with alcoholism?  At this time we weren’t even sure if she was truly an alcoholic or not.

She abstained the majority of that holiday trying to please W but it got her nowhere because as soon as they returned home everything went back to status quo.  So she began to drink in her closet again.

Should W have told his family and allowed them to spread the word like wildfire?  Would it have been better to have a private and personal conversation with his immediate family and let her do the talking?  Just curious if you’ve experienced a situation such as this how did you handle it?

And if you’re thinking that I seem a bit angry with his family you are correct.  Writing about it helps me let go because anger towards them does not serve me in any positive way.  As I tell you more about their behavior with the abuse you may come to understand better why I feel a bit incensed with their response or lack of to this entire situation.

When Did She Become An Alcoholic?

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I am baffled.  How was she able to drink responsibly for so long and then BAM – she lost all control? My suspicions tell me her dreary marriage and controlling husband spurred her over the edge.  True or false?

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I ponder this question daily.  I will probably never have a concrete answer.

When I think back over the days since my daughter left for college up to after she got married I see a shift in her drinking pattern.  In college she worked in a bar – in hindsight her Dad and I wish we’d have discouraged that more adamantly – hindsight…always 20/20.  Anyway we didn’t, but it didn’t seem that her alcohol consumption was out of the ordinary.  No waking up and hitting the bottle, no sneaking around to acquire alcohol, no hiding it from her loved ones.

When we did step up and lay down an ultimatum was when we noticed that the nights were too late, the crowd inappropriate and the grades slipping.  Most of the people she met and chose to hang out with were already done with or hadn’t attended college so they could stay up till 4 and not worry about missing an 8am class.  That was not the case for Kae. Her Dad laid down the law and she quit that job.  Things got better and she graduated!  OH HAPPY DAY!

She quickly found a job and began to live life as a young, educated adult.  At this time her future husband and she moved in together.  Both employed and both behaving as any proud parent would anticipate.  What I recall is she never drank alone back then.

What I also recall is that after they were married and even a bit before, the angst I would see in her face when they would come for a visit or when we would spend a weekend with them.  The constant “I’m not happy” face – but how would her family know that this was becoming the norm.  I’d question her about it and she’d give me reasons….He wants to leave early so we can stop by his parents on the way home….( on a side note – his parents lived 45 minutes away from where K & W lived- we lived a few hours away) He doesn’t want to fight traffic, He doesn’t like the way I was putting on makeup this morning…He never wanted her to wear makeup or fix her hair.  I kick myself because these were clear cut signs that he was bullying her.  Again hindsight.

Its obvious now that living under his thumb was taking it’s toll on her.  Slowly and surely she turned to alcohol as an escape.  I remember getting up on the day they would be leaving and finding a few extra beer bottles or a polished off bottle of wine in the recycle.  I also remember asking a couple of times – “did you guys stay up late and drink all that?”  It was never pointed out that it was only her because at that time it wasn’t.  One point I make here is that if he thought she had a problem with alcohol all along why didn’t he tell us?  Why didn’t he get a handle on his own consumption?  More about that in a future post!

What I now see is that the pattern began then….after her marriage began to go south. It only became visible and apparent the last couple of years.  Day drinking was not involved, drinking to the point of passing out wasn’t happening, addiction had not taken hold.

Join me soon as I discuss more about how the story unfolds…….sadly my husband nor I saw it coming until it was too late.

Today I feel blessed that she sought help!

Feeling Guilty Yes Or No?

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When a loved one is suffering I find it hard to feel 100% joyful.  You know if they’re under the weather, suffering a loss, had a breakup, lost a job.  I have been having a severely hard time feeling happy knowing where my daughter has been.  And by where she has been I mean, for the last couple of years she has been in a bad place.  A place of self-destruction, pain, falseness and fear.  Tell me how in the world a mother can feel joy knowing her daughter is in that place?  I feel guilty feeling fantastic when my precious daughter is passed out at 2 in the afternoon from the effects of too much booze.

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After I read the book about setting boundaries I begin to take a look at myself and question whether or not it’s ok to laugh, to take pleasure in an event, to take a trip and have fun.  I decided then that I had no choice but to do those things and do them freely.  After all I am not the addict and I do not make her choices for her.  I get to choose myself what I want to do and how I feel, how I react to what ever life hands me.

That is when I started taking long walks daily and enjoying those moments.  Stopping to smell the roses, literally, laughing at kids playing on a playground, petting someones’s friendly dog – if only for an hour a day I was finding some joy!  It felt good – kind of…

Since then I’ve said to my husband on more than one occasion that I refuse to let her choices affect every waking moment of my day.  My husband and I have an active and adventurous lifestyle.  Meeting friends for a cold beer, hosting a dinner party or hitting the local bike trails, we take pleasure in life.  Now does this mean I don’t think about her or wonder how her day is going…do I fret over when the next frantic or plastered phone call will come…Well yes, I do but I’ve made a conscious decision not to allow myself to be addicted to her anymore.

I do not feel guilty…I do feel sad when her day is miserable…it’s her choice.  I mourn it and move on.  I may mourn it more than once throughout the day but it’s not consuming my entire life.  That is one reason I decided to record this journey.  In hopes that it will lighten my load, take if off my chest and allow me to carry on with joy.  So for now I am throwing my guilt out the freakin’ window!

It’ll continue to be a learning process to stay in this mind set.  I know I am not the only one who is living this  – this life of loving a daughter who is an addict.  You know, that’s still really hard to say and I’m not too keen on saying that to just anybody but I did just say it to the entire universe!

I’ll be sharing more about Kae’s failed marriage and how all that came to be, soon.  What happened to trigger her need or desire to drink, then to drink too much and so on.  From the outside in it’s not that hard to visualize how it all came to be  –  in hindsight.

Always My Daughter