What About All Those Other People At Rehab?

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It seems there is a mass text message among the folks from rehab.  Kae spent 30 days with these people.  Some were there for alcohol abuse, most there for drugs and or a drug/alcohol combo.  After she came out she told me how much worse off all these guys and gals were due to their circumstances at home.  Most would be going home to bitter families, non-supportive and not understanding….well, I mean I don’t understand but I support her decision to detox!

Some of the people she is referring to are much younger than Kae.  Some don’t even have an invitation to go home.  They are off into never-never land equipped with whatever they grasped at rehab.  This is scary!  I mention the others from rehab as I am curious – are these people good for my daughter?  Is it normal to remain friends with those you meet in rehab?

My daughter is a very pretty young lady.  It is normal for guys to want to hang out with her and I’m sure lending a shoulder to cry on is easy when the girl is pretty.  It concerns me that she will spend time with – let’s say those guys who were detoxing from meth or opiates – will her tender and fragile state make it easy for them to suck her down that path?  She’s proven already that going back to her addiction came easily – will it for these others was well?  Am I wasting my time thinking about this?

Maybe I am worrying about something I shouldn’t.  She’s spoken some about meeting up with a group of her rehab friends – but it has not happened yet.  I don’t have any control over this situation anyway…..

Moving on…….thanks for reading!  Any comments you can contribute – especially if you have been in either situation – mine or Kae’s – could be helpful!

 

What Recovery?

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Recovery my ass!  Liar liar pants on fire!  That’s what I’d say to a 4 year old when I knew they were telling a lie – I’m about ready to say it to Kae because she’s become quite adept at lying.  This sickens me and shatters my heart.  Not as much for lying to me or her Dad or her friends but that she’s lying to herself!

Not out even one week and she began to drink again.  It doesn’t seem to be to the extent it was before rehab but what the hey?  30 days in rehab and recovery lasted like 3 days.  Let’s not even talk about the cost of going to a rehab facility – which I might add her insurance didn’t cover.

For the first maybe 8-10 days she was doing an amazing job of not letting on when she and I would talk.  Of course, this explains why after she came out I didn’t hear from her too regularly.  I wondered why…now I know.  When she did call she didn’t sound drunk – maybe she wasn’t….maybe she waited until we had had a chat before drowning her sorrows.

I cannot wrap my brain around this.  How does a person decide all on their own to go check into rehab, go through the process of detox and 3 days after coming home already head right back down that rocky path?  I had finally stared to feel like our conversations were better, more like they have been in the past.  Until night before last when a phone call came around dinner time.

She began the conversation by asking what I was doing?  “Finishing up dinner”, I told her.  “Well where are you – can you talk?”  I agreed to talk as I had literally one bite left.  She started out telling me that she’d had a tough session with her therapist that day and a bit about how she was feeling about men.  At this time she seemed teary but not inebriated.

Then I heard a familiar and unsettling sound on the other end of the line….drinking…a kind of slurping sound.  I’ve heard that before and my heart began to sink as I knew where this was going. I waited a few minutes and as the time passed her words became slurry, I recognized some of the responses she made.  More importantly the tone started to become hateful, accusatory.  I recognized that she was in a full blown state of being stink punch-drunk.

When I questioned it – if she was drinking and told her she sounded drunk she denied it. Liar!  A short time after I questioned it she said, “You sound distrustful!”.  My reply?  “Why because I think you are drunk?”  Kai, “yep, yep, yep, (clears her throat) I’m NOT”.  The conversation ended when she became angry and hung up on me – questioning if I was going to call a friend/neighbor of hers who could check up on her and who I now know could divulge that she’d already been drinking 3 days out of rehab.

I didn’t call that friend but her Dad did.  We got the scoop and stared at each other with space like eyes.  After he hung up we scratched our heads and sat outside to listen to the crickets.  My phone rang….I cringed.  Not willing to try to communicate with a drunk – it simply is a waste of time and energy, which by this time I was already low on.

Those hateful, spewing words began to flow from her mouth.  I told her, ” I won’t talk to you in this state.  I love you and would enjoy a conversation when you are sober.  I will not allow you to be hateful to me.”  Then she started in on running her mouth about how her Dad is so stupid and doesn’t understand anything and always – (yes always) says the wrong things.  I backed him up with this response – “you don’t like that he calls it like it is”.  This pissed her off even more, too bad.  I told her I had to hang up and would talk to her the next day if she was sober.

These are the nights that falling asleep and resting comfortably are impossible.  I had a big day following and so I made the decision to shut my phone off so that she could not disturb me at 2 a.m.  I must be feeling stronger in the boundaries I’m trying to implement because I didn’t even feel guilty doing it!

The next afternoon, late in the day she called.  She wanted me to talk her off of a ledge…she wanted to call W.  If you’ve read my previous posts – we all know this is a ludicrous idea.  Teary sounding…after a few minutes it seemed as if she’d been at the bottle yet again – but not as bad as the night before.  This time when I questioned it her response was honest, “yes”.  A sad sounding admission.  Could this be progress in the right direction again?

Fingers crossed…….

 

Coming Home From Rehab

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My heart broke the entire time Kae was at the rehab facility because I am so far away I was never able to visit her or attend any of the family sessions.  I feel her Dad and I missed out on valuable info that could help us support her in recovery.

Have you attended these types of meetings? Do you have experience with this?  Can you pass along any info, suggestions, tips or hints around this subject?  I’d be eternally grateful to hear from you.

Since she’s come out she has shared with me that I need to know I cannot help her- only support her in recovery.  I understand that – I spent an immeasurable amount of time trying to “help” all to no avail.  I can’t help but wonder though, are there things I shouldn’t say?  Are there subjects to be avoided?

She’s mentioned “triggers” – conversations or such that may make her wish for a drink of alcohol.  I remind myself this is not my responsibility to prevent this but hers.  A mother’s love runs so deep it’s damn near impossible for her to yearn to be certain not be the person who says or does something that may pull one of those triggers.

Boundaries – it’s about boundaries.  She knows where she needs to set her boundaries.  Kae told me she learned tons about setting her own boundaries at rehab.  Are there any for her parents?

So many questions…….

Countless Hours On The Phone

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Before my daughter decided to check herself into rehab we spoke daily.  I don’t mean just one or two times a day I mean sometimes for 2-3 hours at a time during the day and often times another hour or 2 at. night.  I was exhausted! During the last several months before W threw his plate, knife and fork at her and for several weeks after I also found myself having multiple lengthy conversations with him.

See that drawing above?  That’s how the conversations usually felt with both of them.  With Kae it was a guessing game as to her state of soberness.  Many conversations I knew I was speaking with a drunk person, at times it was questionable and occasionally I knew she was sober.  With W, I spent considerable time asking questions that would verify something she’d told me about his behavior, or asking him what he wanted to do about their situation.

A few times I’d get a phone call from my daughter after having spoken to him where she would say, “something you said must’ve clicked because he’s being super nice”.  That never lasted more than a day or two.  When speaking with him he would express how hard it was to deal with an alcoholic (no shit), he’d tell me he just didn’t know what to do, he would divulge occurrences like, “she drank so much at the wedding she fell down”.

My end of the conversation went something like this, “have you gotten rid of all the alcohol in your house?  Are you still smoking pot every day?  Why do’t you go with her to a counselor and seek that help?  Are you talking to your parents about this?  Can you give up drinking to be supportive of her if she quits?  And on and on and on ……..

In hindsight none of my chatter did a bit of good.  In response to my question regarding if he was talking to his own family about the situation his response was always,” they just know about Kae and how much she drinks – they are worried about her”.  SO what this tells me is that he didn’t divulge anything regarding his bad behavior.

After he impaled her with a fork my conversations initially escalated with him but soon began to diminish.  Somehow it didn’t seem right to carry on conversations with a person who hurt my daughter.  At one point he told me, “my parents aren’t involved”.. I responded with, “I wish they would get involved so you’d have some input from them.”  I told him this knowing that I was about to cut off communication with him.  I was sick and tired of hearing all the blame being placed on her – in his eyes it is her fault the fork went through her hand and glass shattered and cut her arms and hands.  Once I realized he wasn’t about to accept responsibility for his own choice to throw the items at her I gave up having conversation with him.

Whew, one down and one to go.  After the incident with the fork for a good 6 or so weeks I spent many days with phone in hand – multitasking.  Making the bed, loading the dishwasher, folding laundry, taking a much needed walk, chopping veggies, getting ready to go to work.  Lucky for me I only work a few hours a week at a non-stressful job.  Most of the time Kae was full of babble – drunk or headed in that direction babble.  I know that many of our conversations were her trying to decipher what the hell was going on in her life and how did she get there.  I was over the lecturing as I knew by now that it did no good.  If anything I’d make a quick comment like, ” well as long as alcohol is involved nothing seems to be going in a good direction”.  It is a mother’s hope that one time – just one – that those words would ignite a fire in her daughter to take herself to a detox facility and check in.

I don’t think it was because of me that she finally went – it simply, finally clicked in her head.  That was what I’d been waiting for, praying for and wishing for.  At this stage W doesn’t even know she went.  I do question – what would he think?  It doesn’t matter though does it?  He’s got his own set of problems.  I am thankful that the lightbulb went off for her!

The Letter – I Never Sent

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person writing a letter

This is the letter I wrote to Kae and never sent.  In a way I wish she could read it but on the other hand it wouldn’t have changed anything at the time.  She was still in denial of her alcohol abuse and my words would have gone in one ear and out the other – so to speak.

Since she has been home from rehab and in recovery mode she has told me that all the talks and suggestions her Dad and I had with her – all the promises she made to shut us up are typical of a family struggling with addiction.  You know, I knew this all along but what I didn’t know was, what to do.  I did know she had to make the choice on her own to enter rehab and have it be effective.  She tells me she understands we didn’t know what to do or say and that she is blessed to have a family that doesn’t turn their backs on her as so many families do.

In rehab she heard stories of families who refuse to accept their addicts condition or choice to get help.  She shared some of these situations with me and hers is different in regards to the support she will get from her family as she continues in recovery.  She is blessed!

I’ll share this letter with you and maybe someday with her.

Good morning my sweet daughter,

Let me start by saying “I love you more than you can imagine”. Everything I am about to say is because of the deep and infinite love I have for you! Please remember this as you read my letter.

I want you to know that I agree with your statement last night, “all of this is not my fault”. There are certainly many contributing factors that have led you to the mess you now find yourself in. SO much of that was not in your control.

What you do going forward is completely in your control. Your issues with alcohol seem to be situational, yet the situation isn’t changing. So I don’t see how you will get sober if you stay where you are. The first step to getting out of this mess is for you to admit – sincerely that this is the biggest problem. Clearly, choosing alcohol in the manner you have is not working for you, your relationship or your well being! It not only affects you but many of those around you.

Had I not seen the ugliness of what the alcohol does to you I’d question it more – but having seen for myself I can’t question it anymore. It is an issue only you can fix! I have faith in you that you can climb out of this mess but only if you choose that path.

I know you say you feel ambushed! I suppose I might feel the same if I was in your shoes. What I wonder is…do you realize that the people who are stepping forward are doing so out of love and concern for your happiness and health? I wish you could realize it is not for any other reason.

I want to tell you about a phone call I had yesterday. It was with Lenny. He contacted me, as James had called him. He loves you and wants to spend time with you. He wondered if I knew about all that was going on. I told him I do and that we speak pretty much, daily. He went on to say that unless you were able to get sober he would not be able to spend time with you. He told me about a couple of times where you’d passed out at dinner in his home. He told me he won’t allow that to happen in the future. He believes you are in denial of your alcohol issues and refuse to seek help or change your ways. He told me I should share this with you and he would risk your being angry about it in hopes that you will change it! He talked about how beautiful, smart and fun you are yet you are not in a place for those qualities to shine! He, as everyone else doesn’t know what to do.

I am reminded of the times you’ve told me about incidents, how many people told me after Seth’s rehearsal night how drunk you were, the 2 am phone call, our closet confrontation, the night you picked me up from the airport…..Every one of those incidents are contributed to your alcohol use – maybe there were other issues that caused you to choose to drink but it was and is your choice and only your choice. You can’t live your life based on what “everyone” else is doing if it doesn’t work for you. This isn’t working and you need to remove yourself from THIS situation.

This is a crazy situation. You are not yourself, not the girl I know. I know she’s inside you somewhere and I’d really love to see her emerge. You have your whole life ahead of you – I can NOT imagine why you would want to spend it like this. Alcohol is NOT the answer it IS the problem.

When you admit it and choose to take the path to recovering from it your life will be amazing like you. Any chance this is going to happen?

I don’t want lip-service I want to see action! In this case actions definitely speak much louder than words! How can I help? I’d be happy to come to be with you while you figure this out and begin to seek help. I’ll be with you every step of the way.

 

I love you and you’ll always be my daughter,

Mom

 

 

 

To Tell Or Not To Tell

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The events that happened in my last two posts were near the holidays.  Thanksgiving was coming followed by Christmas.  It was their year to spend it with his family.  They we’re planning a road trip for Christmas.  W thought it a good idea to tell his family and have them send out a mass text message to get the word out to extended family members who would be present during the holiday festivities.  This outraged Kae, but it was too late the message had gone out to a bunch of family members. It went something like this….

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Dear family – W has brought it to our attention the Kae may be an alcoholic.  She’s drinking too much and he is trying his best to help her through this.  She won’t be drinking during the holidays.  Don’t be surprised.

It’s no wonder she was furious.  Do you think anyone stepped up and removed alcohol from their plans?  Nope!  On their first night at his parents house his mom showed her where to find the non-alcoholic wine and beer and everyone else proceeded to pour their alcoholic beverage of choice.  Okay providing some non-alcoholic beverages was a nice gesture but really people…what kind of support is that?

The bigger picture here is that his mom and her sisters drink like fish and continued to do so knowing that Kae might be struggling with alcohol use.  Her husband also drank as much as he liked and continued to harass her about how she couldn’t and shouldn’t drink any. Kae was able to make it through most meals or cocktail hours without imbibing, feeling a bit lonely and left out as everyone else poured and poured and poured.  Finally she decided she could handle a glass or two of wine with everyone else and so poured herself some.  At that time she was able to control how much.

That holiday we were able to spend one evening with Kae and W and chose not to serve alcohol nor have it available.  It seemed a bit uncomfortable but that’s because it’s not the norm, but what family wouldn’t be happy to accommodate a loved one who may be struggling with alcoholism?  At this time we weren’t even sure if she was truly an alcoholic or not.

She abstained the majority of that holiday trying to please W but it got her nowhere because as soon as they returned home everything went back to status quo.  So she began to drink in her closet again.

Should W have told his family and allowed them to spread the word like wildfire?  Would it have been better to have a private and personal conversation with his immediate family and let her do the talking?  Just curious if you’ve experienced a situation such as this how did you handle it?

And if you’re thinking that I seem a bit angry with his family you are correct.  Writing about it helps me let go because anger towards them does not serve me in any positive way.  As I tell you more about their behavior with the abuse you may come to understand better why I feel a bit incensed with their response or lack of to this entire situation.

How About Happy Hour?

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This will make your jaw drop!  The incident I am about to tell you about happened almost 3 years ago.  In the beginning throes of drinking too much Kae decided one late fall day to go see a therapist/counselor regarding her marriage and her alcohol use.  At this time W was continually hounding her about her drinking – I can’t say how bad it was since I wasn’t around – (remember we don’t live close).  Back then it wasn’t even a case of drinking during the day but in the evenings when he’d come home from work and play his video game for countless hours.  A time, that in our family is always set aside for together time – sharing about our day and maybe having an alcoholic beverage, together.  Then dinner preparation, table setting, etc…Something done by everyone in the family.  In the case of Kae and W – 2 people.

I would like to take this time to interject that after arriving home from work W also usually did a few hits on a pipe full of marajuana and popped open a beer or two.  Kae would pour a glass of wine and then find herself ignored for the opportunity to play the game.  I suppose we could say, “she could’ve played the game too and then they would be together”.  Well we could say that…but video gaming is not her thing at all!  SO, no biggie until his game playing goes further into the night – well past cooking dinner time and guess what she was doing?  Finishing an entire bottle of wine and throwing something together for dinner – ALONE!  I might add this was a daily occurrence not an occasional one.

Realizing that her alcohol use was getting out of hand and feeling like her marriage was destined to be an unhappy one Kae turned to finding help.  After a little research she found a therapist and made an appointment.  She shared this information with her Dad and me and her husband – who upon finding out she was searching for someone to go to for help immediately laid down the law and forbade her to choose a male therapist.  Whatever – stupid and that should not matter but she chose a woman to keep him happy and headed to her first appointment about mid-afternoon.

We were all looking forward to hear how she felt about her visit and she called W and then me to fill us in on how it went.  Here’s the part where your jaw might fall open….

After W listened to a bit about the session – there’s not so much to tell after only one visit with a therapist – he said to her, “Great!  I’ll be home a little early to pick you up – we’re going to happy hour with Dave and Tim”.  WHAT THE HELL?????

My phone rang minutes later and crying into the phone she told me this story.  She begged off saying, “I just went to see someone about not drinking and he wants to take me to happy hour”, “I think he wants me to fail”, “What do I do Mom?”.  Of course my advice was to tell him, “NO” and follow up with that under no circumstance should “happy hour” be a part of their social time if he wanted her to stop drinking!  I urged her to tell him how serious she was about this situation – not only the alcohol use but their marriage too.  I suggested a bike ride, a walk, an alcohol free late afternoon picnic, a movie, anything where alcohol wasn’t the focus.

What do you think happened?  I’ll tell ya’ – he bullied her into going saying,” you can have just one or two glasses of wine”.  I imagine her eyes were red and swollen that evening from all the crying she did.  I hope he enjoyed himself!

I will never until the day I die understand his reasoning here.  Was it all about control?  Did he purposely set her up for failure by bullying her and constantly making plans around events where alcohol was prevalent?  Did he help the situation by not being willing to get alcohol out of the home?  Not drink himself? Oh – how about this one – don’t smoke pot either!

After this do you think she continued to go to her therapy sessions?  For a minute!  Then he started telling her how much more he knew than the therapist.  When she told him the therapist had suggested couples counseling he threw up his hands and infinitely told her he did not need help that she just needed to get well.  If I were guessing that night she popped a cork and downed a bottle of wine – ALONE.

Full of anxiety, fear, guilt and helplessness Kae became sad and lonely…..depressed too!

 

 

The 2 A.M. Phone Call – A True Nightmare

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If you are a parent you can relate to this – it’s 2am – you are sound asleep – your phone rings – it’s the ringtone for one of your children – you panic – you answer – you hold your breath – you don’t sleep anymore that night!  If you happen to fall back asleep you might have bad dreams because the phone call was a nightmare.

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Apparently the meme above should apply to our children at all stages of life not just to babies.  The familiar ring woke me up and I quickly grabbed for the phone – my husband was awakened too.  A sobbing Kae on the other end of the line. “Mom? I’m so sorry to call but….” sobbing…harder…Me, “honey what’s wrong?, I can’t understand you – take a deep breath”.

I slide out of bed grab my robe and head down the dark hallway to the living room sofa where I can talk without keeping my husband up.  Kae, “Mom I can’t do this anymore”. Me, “do what?”  By now I am beginning to realize she is pretty plastered.  My heart sinks, again.

She begins the dialogue. “Mom all he wants to do is belittle me and play that f*%king game.  He won’t pay any attention to me.  He won’t come to bed with me.”  Me, ” where are you?” Kae, “in my closet”. Me, “why are you in the closet?”  This is when she clicks me over to FaceTime.  In a way I wish she hadn’t because she looked God awful.  Drunk, red face, swollen eyes, hair looking as if rats lived in it.  It certainly opened my eyes as I’ve never seen her like this – ever!  Even on her worst sick day!  She was in the closet because as it turns out this is where she hid her wine and drank alone.

The conversation never really went anywhere.  It consisted of her saying “mom” a lot and me telling her to take a deep breath and go to bed, that we could talk the next day.  She begged me to stay on the line with her.  We got disconnected…she immediately called back.  We are into about 90 minutes of phone time now.  I answer and tell her not to do FaceTime because it’s dark……it worked for the moment and as I continued to talk to her I switched my phone to text and texted her husband…WHERE ARE YOU?  You need to go check on Kae.

Shortly after that he appears in the closet doorway and she quickly switches back to FaceTime.  So now I can see and hear everything.  He doesn’t seem to care. As he steps into the doorway he says,”What’s going on?” in a sickening sweet voice.  Next he coaxes her to the bed and lays down beside her with his arms crossed across his chest and a look of disgust on his face.  I understand it’s disgusting to see a drunk in action – especially if it’s someone you love.

She stayed on the phone a while longer – fading in and out – until I was able to convince her to hang up and get some sleep.  How do you think I felt?  Helpless, scared, confused for starters.  As I said I’ve never seen this before – not from my daughter or quite honestly anyone else.  This was the phone call that enlightened her Dad and me that what was happening in her life was a serious issue.  Our daughter….our precious daughter….

The next day we did talk and I encouraged her to seek help.  She did seek out a therapist.  You won’t believe what happened the first day she went for counseling after this incident.  I’ll tell you all about it in my next post.

Struggling With Lack Of Communication

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Ever since Kae went into rehab there has been an enormous lack of communication.  Today we had our first normal conversation in almost a month – it made me cry!

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She began to tell me about the withdrawal symptoms she is experiencing a few weeks after beginning her detox.  This is normal, it can last for weeks or months.  Her experience has been sleeplessness, night sweats, bizarre dreams and just not feeling great.  Luckily she’s only experienced this for the last couple of days.

She is about to finish her stint in rehab.  Will they address this?  Will she have a helpline in case of severe withdrawal symptoms now? As her mom of course these are concerns for me.  If I lived close I would be getting education from the center she chose and would be able to be with her.  She was planning on finding a counselor and confirming that this is normal and asking for advice on dealing with it.  I am trusting that the rehab center will absolutely address this issue and send her off with the ammunition she needs going forward.

Of course they will!

Our conversation was normal today – after the first week when she was allowed to call me she seemed like herself – sober on the first phone call.  She told me a little about the facility, the other addicts and her counselor.  Since then our conversations have seemed stiff and forced and obligatory.  This is not normal.  Today it was.

I feel hopeful that this will continue!

 

When Did She Become An Alcoholic?

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I am baffled.  How was she able to drink responsibly for so long and then BAM – she lost all control? My suspicions tell me her dreary marriage and controlling husband spurred her over the edge.  True or false?

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I ponder this question daily.  I will probably never have a concrete answer.

When I think back over the days since my daughter left for college up to after she got married I see a shift in her drinking pattern.  In college she worked in a bar – in hindsight her Dad and I wish we’d have discouraged that more adamantly – hindsight…always 20/20.  Anyway we didn’t, but it didn’t seem that her alcohol consumption was out of the ordinary.  No waking up and hitting the bottle, no sneaking around to acquire alcohol, no hiding it from her loved ones.

When we did step up and lay down an ultimatum was when we noticed that the nights were too late, the crowd inappropriate and the grades slipping.  Most of the people she met and chose to hang out with were already done with or hadn’t attended college so they could stay up till 4 and not worry about missing an 8am class.  That was not the case for Kae. Her Dad laid down the law and she quit that job.  Things got better and she graduated!  OH HAPPY DAY!

She quickly found a job and began to live life as a young, educated adult.  At this time her future husband and she moved in together.  Both employed and both behaving as any proud parent would anticipate.  What I recall is she never drank alone back then.

What I also recall is that after they were married and even a bit before, the angst I would see in her face when they would come for a visit or when we would spend a weekend with them.  The constant “I’m not happy” face – but how would her family know that this was becoming the norm.  I’d question her about it and she’d give me reasons….He wants to leave early so we can stop by his parents on the way home….( on a side note – his parents lived 45 minutes away from where K & W lived- we lived a few hours away) He doesn’t want to fight traffic, He doesn’t like the way I was putting on makeup this morning…He never wanted her to wear makeup or fix her hair.  I kick myself because these were clear cut signs that he was bullying her.  Again hindsight.

Its obvious now that living under his thumb was taking it’s toll on her.  Slowly and surely she turned to alcohol as an escape.  I remember getting up on the day they would be leaving and finding a few extra beer bottles or a polished off bottle of wine in the recycle.  I also remember asking a couple of times – “did you guys stay up late and drink all that?”  It was never pointed out that it was only her because at that time it wasn’t.  One point I make here is that if he thought she had a problem with alcohol all along why didn’t he tell us?  Why didn’t he get a handle on his own consumption?  More about that in a future post!

What I now see is that the pattern began then….after her marriage began to go south. It only became visible and apparent the last couple of years.  Day drinking was not involved, drinking to the point of passing out wasn’t happening, addiction had not taken hold.

Join me soon as I discuss more about how the story unfolds…….sadly my husband nor I saw it coming until it was too late.

Today I feel blessed that she sought help!