What Recovery?

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Recovery my ass!  Liar liar pants on fire!  That’s what I’d say to a 4 year old when I knew they were telling a lie – I’m about ready to say it to Kae because she’s become quite adept at lying.  This sickens me and shatters my heart.  Not as much for lying to me or her Dad or her friends but that she’s lying to herself!

Not out even one week and she began to drink again.  It doesn’t seem to be to the extent it was before rehab but what the hey?  30 days in rehab and recovery lasted like 3 days.  Let’s not even talk about the cost of going to a rehab facility – which I might add her insurance didn’t cover.

For the first maybe 8-10 days she was doing an amazing job of not letting on when she and I would talk.  Of course, this explains why after she came out I didn’t hear from her too regularly.  I wondered why…now I know.  When she did call she didn’t sound drunk – maybe she wasn’t….maybe she waited until we had had a chat before drowning her sorrows.

I cannot wrap my brain around this.  How does a person decide all on their own to go check into rehab, go through the process of detox and 3 days after coming home already head right back down that rocky path?  I had finally stared to feel like our conversations were better, more like they have been in the past.  Until night before last when a phone call came around dinner time.

She began the conversation by asking what I was doing?  “Finishing up dinner”, I told her.  “Well where are you – can you talk?”  I agreed to talk as I had literally one bite left.  She started out telling me that she’d had a tough session with her therapist that day and a bit about how she was feeling about men.  At this time she seemed teary but not inebriated.

Then I heard a familiar and unsettling sound on the other end of the line….drinking…a kind of slurping sound.  I’ve heard that before and my heart began to sink as I knew where this was going. I waited a few minutes and as the time passed her words became slurry, I recognized some of the responses she made.  More importantly the tone started to become hateful, accusatory.  I recognized that she was in a full blown state of being stink punch-drunk.

When I questioned it – if she was drinking and told her she sounded drunk she denied it. Liar!  A short time after I questioned it she said, “You sound distrustful!”.  My reply?  “Why because I think you are drunk?”  Kai, “yep, yep, yep, (clears her throat) I’m NOT”.  The conversation ended when she became angry and hung up on me – questioning if I was going to call a friend/neighbor of hers who could check up on her and who I now know could divulge that she’d already been drinking 3 days out of rehab.

I didn’t call that friend but her Dad did.  We got the scoop and stared at each other with space like eyes.  After he hung up we scratched our heads and sat outside to listen to the crickets.  My phone rang….I cringed.  Not willing to try to communicate with a drunk – it simply is a waste of time and energy, which by this time I was already low on.

Those hateful, spewing words began to flow from her mouth.  I told her, ” I won’t talk to you in this state.  I love you and would enjoy a conversation when you are sober.  I will not allow you to be hateful to me.”  Then she started in on running her mouth about how her Dad is so stupid and doesn’t understand anything and always – (yes always) says the wrong things.  I backed him up with this response – “you don’t like that he calls it like it is”.  This pissed her off even more, too bad.  I told her I had to hang up and would talk to her the next day if she was sober.

These are the nights that falling asleep and resting comfortably are impossible.  I had a big day following and so I made the decision to shut my phone off so that she could not disturb me at 2 a.m.  I must be feeling stronger in the boundaries I’m trying to implement because I didn’t even feel guilty doing it!

The next afternoon, late in the day she called.  She wanted me to talk her off of a ledge…she wanted to call W.  If you’ve read my previous posts – we all know this is a ludicrous idea.  Teary sounding…after a few minutes it seemed as if she’d been at the bottle yet again – but not as bad as the night before.  This time when I questioned it her response was honest, “yes”.  A sad sounding admission.  Could this be progress in the right direction again?

Fingers crossed…….

 

3 thoughts on “What Recovery?

  1. Hello my friend,
    Just this evening I reasoned I wasn’t following your blog (sorry!!!). Got that sorted.
    I can’t imagine how disappointed you must have felt when your daughter admitted to drinking again after having gone to rehab. I know little about rehab centres as I don’t think we have them in New Zealand. But a quick check of an American rehab centres suggests it costs moonbeams.
    Getting your feeling down in paper (so to speak) is a wonderful start on your part. Looking after your own health and wellbeing is critical – turning off your phone so you got a sound sleep and setting boundaries is a wonderful start. Self care, even small things like your open communications with your husband will help enormously.
    While we cannot control your daughter’s actions, take comfort in knowing you are doing everything you can. After all, we can only do so much to help someone. Ultimately the choice is theirs and the point comes where we can only help to the point where our own health and wellbeing isn’t jeopardised.
    Keep writing, I love your gentle and sincere tone.
    Love and sober hugs from New Zealand xoxo

    Like

    • The cost of a rehab center is off the charts and to think she paid a hefty fee and went back to the bottle rather quickly…so disappointing. Your insightful words are so encouraging to me! Thank you for them. Yes I must protect myself and my relationship with her Dad – I’ve heard too many times how situations like ours can wreck a good marriage – I’m not about to let that happen.

      Writing and talking are a tremendous help…putting it down on paper so to speak gets it off my mind and I can let go of some of the stress. Besides writing your blog do you keep a journal of your path? So proud you are on a sober path and discovering how happy you can be without alcohol!

      Hugs to you my dear!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m so pleased writing is helping, isn’t it so powerful. Yes I keep a gratitude journal, and it also helps.
        Very excited about the retreat – looking forward to keeping you posted!
        Big hugs back 💙🦋🙋🏽🙏🏼

        Liked by 1 person

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