husband

Who Is This Girl?

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There are days where Kae seems like the person I know – have know all her life…other days….I scratch my head wondering who is this person?  Lately it seems she has a handle on her alcohol use…I don’t live with her so I guess I’ll never know for sure but she seems lucid and sober.  What baffles me is the choices she makes and her lack of self motivation.

It’s almost impossible for me to believe that she is actively searching for a job.  Is she too picky?  Her Dad and I can’t imagine that she won’t get a job that brings in some money and would still allow her to search for that perfect, big dollar dream job.  Ok – one day a week she has a lovely job that could turn into more…meantime there are 6 other days in the week and that leaves plenty of opportunity for another part time job.  Sadly, I don’t understand.

My daughter has always been self motivated but lately she doesn’t seem to have it in her.  I know with a sentencing date for W approaching – like less than a week away – that is weighing on her mind.  A divorce that has just begun and still only a very, very part time job…She has waaaaaay too much time to think about everything.  Maybe she simply can’t find the band-width to get up off her butt and take care of filling out forms for attorneys, picking up her house, folding laundry, finding a job…..

I love her the same as always and am hopeful that the day will come when she is 100% back to being the girl we raised her to be…..maybe she’ll never be “THAT” person again though.  Possibly, having an abusive husband took so much of her that she’ll be different.  Of course, I’d never want her to be in that situation again and so there would need to be changes.

What I really think is that I have no idea exactly how she is coping with all that she is going through.  What an emotional rollercoaster she is on.  I try to tell myself that she’s doing the best she can under the circumstances…but I’m not always successful in convincing myself of that.  Part of me wants to go visit for a few days…part of me doesn’t…

Today I’m scratching my head – tomorrow is a new day!

 

Overwhelmed

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Why girl crying

I think about parents who are going through something similar with an adult child.  Alcohol abuse, drug abuse or other addictions that are crippling to a family.  I wonder if their child has other issues creating havoc in their lives?  Like an impending divorce, a domestic violence dispute and no job.  Yes, Kae found a very, really part time job but seriously y’all she needs more!

My heart stays a little clinched up at the thought of all she is going through.  The domestic violence charges against W will come to an end later this month.  What will  be his punishment?  We don’t know at this time, of course, but it’s impossible not to be on edge about what the final outcome will be.  You know, my heart breaks for him too – sort of – not that I think he should slide away with no consequences but I’m sad that this person chose his actions so poorly!  He has stated that it was an accident that he hurt her….I don’t agree.  Objects do not fly on their own.  I’ll discuss it after the final court date because I’m sure regardless of the outcome it’ll take me a minute to digest it.  Kae, well depending on what happens may feel confident that he was served the correct punishment. What if she doesn’t feel that way?  Will it send her spiraling again?

Now this divorce – well for starters it’s freakin expensive just to get an attorney on board.   My daughter pulled together the necessary funds with some creative thinking and a little help from her dad.  Just a little.  They say he will be hit with refunding that money to her – since he started the process – time will tell about that one.  They also say there will be some spousal support for a short time.  I can hear the anger in her voice that has been pent up for several months.  Angry that he became too physical, too hateful, too controlling.  Angry at herself for not putting a stop to it before they said “I do” or at least shortly thereafter.  I pray her anger doesn’t get the best of her..She told me her attorney is black and white – this is the law – we can’t worry about feelings!  I completely get it.  I think she does too!

A large question looming over her and her family is what will happen when they put the house on the market and it sells?  Where will she go?  Wouldn’t it be comforting to know there was a regular paycheck coming in?  It is scary for me and I know for her to be living on this edge…..

Arrrggghhhhh! When will it all end?  I can actually see the light at the end of her tunnel.  She told me she is seeing it too.  The alcohol use and abuse remains a question for her family and for her too.  When it’s all over will she be able to drink socially – normally?  Or will she be considered an alcoholic?  If you have some ideas – please share them in the comments.  It’s the one unknown that weighs heaviest on my heart.

Can it be that a person goes in a downward spiral when things are out of control?  When their husband is abusive, demeaning, hurtful, controlling.  When they’ve been laid off and for a year can’t find employment.  When their confidence and self worth are nonexistent …could it be that one turns to substance abuse to numb the fear and feelings?  Could it be that when life becomes stable and safe and happy that the abuse goes away?

She is always my daughter and time will tell….

 

 

Hoping Not Knowing

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You know I was having coffee with a friend and we were discussing Kae’s situation in terms of the impending divorce.  I mentioned how many times my daughter has said to me, “all I want is a marriage like you and dad have”.  That comment got me to thinking about how you get a good, solid, respectful, safe and happy marriage.

It also got me to thinking about how when Kae and W took their vows I’m almost certain she only hoped that it would be a solid marriage but she didn’t know it would be!  She wasn’t certain, but she pushed those thoughts aside.  Now there are many contributing factors to a “good” marriage but when abuse is already taking place I think we would all agree it’s not going to be one of those!

Had she shared about W’s abusive behavior before the wedding I’m certain her dad and I would’ve seriously had her reconsider going into this marriage.  You know her alcohol use was normal before she was in this relationship….I wonder, of course if it will be normal when the divorce is final and she can move on…..And as of now she is doing great!

So what makes a good marriage? Trust, respect, a sense of humor, honesty, flexibility, kindness, generosity, willingness to help, understanding, compassion. To me those are all important.  Feeling safe too, and she didn’t, but we didn’t know.

They went for counseling before the wedding day – a few times and had the priest convinced that they had their act together and were good candidates for marriage.  W had us convinced too….I mean there were occasional smart ass comments, or odd little things but we had no idea what was to come.

Now I am thinking she was hoping and she did know….she knew it might not last….but hoped it would.  I am hopeful that the next time she finds a man and is proposed to (I am confident this will happen sometime in the future) that she will know for certain it is right and good and can simply hope that she doesn’t trip going down the aisle!

So much to think about.

Miracles Do Happen

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When I last posted I mentioned that I hoped when we returned from our trip that some good stuff would have miraculously happened in Kae’s life.  I am pleased to announce that two of the things I’d hoped for came true. 1. She was served with a divorce summons!

Not something that a mother would normally be happy about but under the circumstances – domestic violence – this mother is happy!  Of course this summons comes after W cut off the water, electricity, internet, cable, cancelled credit cards, changed bank accounts and ceased contributing to the mortgage payment.  He wrote a clause in the papers stating that from the day she was served “both parties are restrained from making any changes to any insurance, bank accounts, etc….. So calculated!

2. She also found employment one day a week with a law firm – not the one she will use to finalize her impending divorce.  I do not know if it’s these two facts that contributed to her decision to halt the alcohol use again – but she has been sober for several weeks now.  Crossing my fingers that she can continue down this path.  Like….crossing my toes and arms and legs too!

In the last few weeks – actually it began to happen while we were away – my conversations with her turned for the better.  I didn’t hang up wondering, “is she drinking?” . I hung up knowing she was sober by her voice, her words, her laugh.  You may not have any idea how good this feels.

Today I remain hopeful!

Countless Hours On The Phone

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Before my daughter decided to check herself into rehab we spoke daily.  I don’t mean just one or two times a day I mean sometimes for 2-3 hours at a time during the day and often times another hour or 2 at. night.  I was exhausted! During the last several months before W threw his plate, knife and fork at her and for several weeks after I also found myself having multiple lengthy conversations with him.

See that drawing above?  That’s how the conversations usually felt with both of them.  With Kae it was a guessing game as to her state of soberness.  Many conversations I knew I was speaking with a drunk person, at times it was questionable and occasionally I knew she was sober.  With W, I spent considerable time asking questions that would verify something she’d told me about his behavior, or asking him what he wanted to do about their situation.

A few times I’d get a phone call from my daughter after having spoken to him where she would say, “something you said must’ve clicked because he’s being super nice”.  That never lasted more than a day or two.  When speaking with him he would express how hard it was to deal with an alcoholic (no shit), he’d tell me he just didn’t know what to do, he would divulge occurrences like, “she drank so much at the wedding she fell down”.

My end of the conversation went something like this, “have you gotten rid of all the alcohol in your house?  Are you still smoking pot every day?  Why do’t you go with her to a counselor and seek that help?  Are you talking to your parents about this?  Can you give up drinking to be supportive of her if she quits?  And on and on and on ……..

In hindsight none of my chatter did a bit of good.  In response to my question regarding if he was talking to his own family about the situation his response was always,” they just know about Kae and how much she drinks – they are worried about her”.  SO what this tells me is that he didn’t divulge anything regarding his bad behavior.

After he impaled her with a fork my conversations initially escalated with him but soon began to diminish.  Somehow it didn’t seem right to carry on conversations with a person who hurt my daughter.  At one point he told me, “my parents aren’t involved”.. I responded with, “I wish they would get involved so you’d have some input from them.”  I told him this knowing that I was about to cut off communication with him.  I was sick and tired of hearing all the blame being placed on her – in his eyes it is her fault the fork went through her hand and glass shattered and cut her arms and hands.  Once I realized he wasn’t about to accept responsibility for his own choice to throw the items at her I gave up having conversation with him.

Whew, one down and one to go.  After the incident with the fork for a good 6 or so weeks I spent many days with phone in hand – multitasking.  Making the bed, loading the dishwasher, folding laundry, taking a much needed walk, chopping veggies, getting ready to go to work.  Lucky for me I only work a few hours a week at a non-stressful job.  Most of the time Kae was full of babble – drunk or headed in that direction babble.  I know that many of our conversations were her trying to decipher what the hell was going on in her life and how did she get there.  I was over the lecturing as I knew by now that it did no good.  If anything I’d make a quick comment like, ” well as long as alcohol is involved nothing seems to be going in a good direction”.  It is a mother’s hope that one time – just one – that those words would ignite a fire in her daughter to take herself to a detox facility and check in.

I don’t think it was because of me that she finally went – it simply, finally clicked in her head.  That was what I’d been waiting for, praying for and wishing for.  At this stage W doesn’t even know she went.  I do question – what would he think?  It doesn’t matter though does it?  He’s got his own set of problems.  I am thankful that the lightbulb went off for her!

To Tell Or Not To Tell

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The events that happened in my last two posts were near the holidays.  Thanksgiving was coming followed by Christmas.  It was their year to spend it with his family.  They we’re planning a road trip for Christmas.  W thought it a good idea to tell his family and have them send out a mass text message to get the word out to extended family members who would be present during the holiday festivities.  This outraged Kae, but it was too late the message had gone out to a bunch of family members. It went something like this….

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Dear family – W has brought it to our attention the Kae may be an alcoholic.  She’s drinking too much and he is trying his best to help her through this.  She won’t be drinking during the holidays.  Don’t be surprised.

It’s no wonder she was furious.  Do you think anyone stepped up and removed alcohol from their plans?  Nope!  On their first night at his parents house his mom showed her where to find the non-alcoholic wine and beer and everyone else proceeded to pour their alcoholic beverage of choice.  Okay providing some non-alcoholic beverages was a nice gesture but really people…what kind of support is that?

The bigger picture here is that his mom and her sisters drink like fish and continued to do so knowing that Kae might be struggling with alcohol use.  Her husband also drank as much as he liked and continued to harass her about how she couldn’t and shouldn’t drink any. Kae was able to make it through most meals or cocktail hours without imbibing, feeling a bit lonely and left out as everyone else poured and poured and poured.  Finally she decided she could handle a glass or two of wine with everyone else and so poured herself some.  At that time she was able to control how much.

That holiday we were able to spend one evening with Kae and W and chose not to serve alcohol nor have it available.  It seemed a bit uncomfortable but that’s because it’s not the norm, but what family wouldn’t be happy to accommodate a loved one who may be struggling with alcoholism?  At this time we weren’t even sure if she was truly an alcoholic or not.

She abstained the majority of that holiday trying to please W but it got her nowhere because as soon as they returned home everything went back to status quo.  So she began to drink in her closet again.

Should W have told his family and allowed them to spread the word like wildfire?  Would it have been better to have a private and personal conversation with his immediate family and let her do the talking?  Just curious if you’ve experienced a situation such as this how did you handle it?

And if you’re thinking that I seem a bit angry with his family you are correct.  Writing about it helps me let go because anger towards them does not serve me in any positive way.  As I tell you more about their behavior with the abuse you may come to understand better why I feel a bit incensed with their response or lack of to this entire situation.

How About Happy Hour?

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This will make your jaw drop!  The incident I am about to tell you about happened almost 3 years ago.  In the beginning throes of drinking too much Kae decided one late fall day to go see a therapist/counselor regarding her marriage and her alcohol use.  At this time W was continually hounding her about her drinking – I can’t say how bad it was since I wasn’t around – (remember we don’t live close).  Back then it wasn’t even a case of drinking during the day but in the evenings when he’d come home from work and play his video game for countless hours.  A time, that in our family is always set aside for together time – sharing about our day and maybe having an alcoholic beverage, together.  Then dinner preparation, table setting, etc…Something done by everyone in the family.  In the case of Kae and W – 2 people.

I would like to take this time to interject that after arriving home from work W also usually did a few hits on a pipe full of marajuana and popped open a beer or two.  Kae would pour a glass of wine and then find herself ignored for the opportunity to play the game.  I suppose we could say, “she could’ve played the game too and then they would be together”.  Well we could say that…but video gaming is not her thing at all!  SO, no biggie until his game playing goes further into the night – well past cooking dinner time and guess what she was doing?  Finishing an entire bottle of wine and throwing something together for dinner – ALONE!  I might add this was a daily occurrence not an occasional one.

Realizing that her alcohol use was getting out of hand and feeling like her marriage was destined to be an unhappy one Kae turned to finding help.  After a little research she found a therapist and made an appointment.  She shared this information with her Dad and me and her husband – who upon finding out she was searching for someone to go to for help immediately laid down the law and forbade her to choose a male therapist.  Whatever – stupid and that should not matter but she chose a woman to keep him happy and headed to her first appointment about mid-afternoon.

We were all looking forward to hear how she felt about her visit and she called W and then me to fill us in on how it went.  Here’s the part where your jaw might fall open….

After W listened to a bit about the session – there’s not so much to tell after only one visit with a therapist – he said to her, “Great!  I’ll be home a little early to pick you up – we’re going to happy hour with Dave and Tim”.  WHAT THE HELL?????

My phone rang minutes later and crying into the phone she told me this story.  She begged off saying, “I just went to see someone about not drinking and he wants to take me to happy hour”, “I think he wants me to fail”, “What do I do Mom?”.  Of course my advice was to tell him, “NO” and follow up with that under no circumstance should “happy hour” be a part of their social time if he wanted her to stop drinking!  I urged her to tell him how serious she was about this situation – not only the alcohol use but their marriage too.  I suggested a bike ride, a walk, an alcohol free late afternoon picnic, a movie, anything where alcohol wasn’t the focus.

What do you think happened?  I’ll tell ya’ – he bullied her into going saying,” you can have just one or two glasses of wine”.  I imagine her eyes were red and swollen that evening from all the crying she did.  I hope he enjoyed himself!

I will never until the day I die understand his reasoning here.  Was it all about control?  Did he purposely set her up for failure by bullying her and constantly making plans around events where alcohol was prevalent?  Did he help the situation by not being willing to get alcohol out of the home?  Not drink himself? Oh – how about this one – don’t smoke pot either!

After this do you think she continued to go to her therapy sessions?  For a minute!  Then he started telling her how much more he knew than the therapist.  When she told him the therapist had suggested couples counseling he threw up his hands and infinitely told her he did not need help that she just needed to get well.  If I were guessing that night she popped a cork and downed a bottle of wine – ALONE.

Full of anxiety, fear, guilt and helplessness Kae became sad and lonely…..depressed too!

 

 

When Did She Become An Alcoholic?

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I am baffled.  How was she able to drink responsibly for so long and then BAM – she lost all control? My suspicions tell me her dreary marriage and controlling husband spurred her over the edge.  True or false?

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I ponder this question daily.  I will probably never have a concrete answer.

When I think back over the days since my daughter left for college up to after she got married I see a shift in her drinking pattern.  In college she worked in a bar – in hindsight her Dad and I wish we’d have discouraged that more adamantly – hindsight…always 20/20.  Anyway we didn’t, but it didn’t seem that her alcohol consumption was out of the ordinary.  No waking up and hitting the bottle, no sneaking around to acquire alcohol, no hiding it from her loved ones.

When we did step up and lay down an ultimatum was when we noticed that the nights were too late, the crowd inappropriate and the grades slipping.  Most of the people she met and chose to hang out with were already done with or hadn’t attended college so they could stay up till 4 and not worry about missing an 8am class.  That was not the case for Kae. Her Dad laid down the law and she quit that job.  Things got better and she graduated!  OH HAPPY DAY!

She quickly found a job and began to live life as a young, educated adult.  At this time her future husband and she moved in together.  Both employed and both behaving as any proud parent would anticipate.  What I recall is she never drank alone back then.

What I also recall is that after they were married and even a bit before, the angst I would see in her face when they would come for a visit or when we would spend a weekend with them.  The constant “I’m not happy” face – but how would her family know that this was becoming the norm.  I’d question her about it and she’d give me reasons….He wants to leave early so we can stop by his parents on the way home….( on a side note – his parents lived 45 minutes away from where K & W lived- we lived a few hours away) He doesn’t want to fight traffic, He doesn’t like the way I was putting on makeup this morning…He never wanted her to wear makeup or fix her hair.  I kick myself because these were clear cut signs that he was bullying her.  Again hindsight.

Its obvious now that living under his thumb was taking it’s toll on her.  Slowly and surely she turned to alcohol as an escape.  I remember getting up on the day they would be leaving and finding a few extra beer bottles or a polished off bottle of wine in the recycle.  I also remember asking a couple of times – “did you guys stay up late and drink all that?”  It was never pointed out that it was only her because at that time it wasn’t.  One point I make here is that if he thought she had a problem with alcohol all along why didn’t he tell us?  Why didn’t he get a handle on his own consumption?  More about that in a future post!

What I now see is that the pattern began then….after her marriage began to go south. It only became visible and apparent the last couple of years.  Day drinking was not involved, drinking to the point of passing out wasn’t happening, addiction had not taken hold.

Join me soon as I discuss more about how the story unfolds…….sadly my husband nor I saw it coming until it was too late.

Today I feel blessed that she sought help!

What Happened Next

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I last wrote about the final opportunity W was given to physically abuse Kae.  He spent the next 10 days away due to a restraining order which he broke by contacting her via a friends phone.  He now faces a felony domestic violence charge.  This scenario drums up another emotional rollercoaster for the fam.

Now it’s a big mess with a District Attorney, a defense attorney, a witness (who by the way was not at the scene), a police report, subpoenas, and a judge and jury.  Yep, no plea bargaining for W – he’s going for the jury trial.  This crap could drag on for a while or if we’re fortunate it will happen on the first jury trial date that has been scheduled.

Am I pissed off that he hurt her? You damn right I am.  Do I want to see him go to prison – not necessarily, but since he continues to chalk up his actions as an accident, maybe I do. I definitely think the consequences need to speak to him and help him understand there is not one thing about choosing to throw something at your wife that is accidental.  It was a conscious decision.

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Maybe sitting behind bars would cause him to take a deeper look inside.  You see, all along he has blamed everything that’s gone wrong on Kae.  We all know that it takes two people to screw up a marriage.  Even his family calls it an accident.  More than likely he stands to loose his job.  That is sad.  Job vs. life?  Well consider this scenario.  If the fork or knife had impaled a different body part Kae could’ve lost her life – what about that?  I know that isn’t what happened but who would’ve thought the fork would impale her hand?

If her drinking was taking a toll before this all happened I can assure you this exacerbated her alcohol intake.  After his 10 days away, (restraining order) he came back and played Mr. Nice guy for about 2 days.  Then it started all over again – she was angry now.  Probably spewing plenty of not nice words and threats about what would happen if he touched her again.  He moved out.  Of course he’s too chicken shit to discuss this idea with her – he waited until she was away from the house to pack a bag and go.

This act started Kae on a giant rollercoaster ride of do I, or do I not want a divorce.  He stayed in constant contact via text messages or phone calls, always telling her how much he loves her and how they need some time apart.  W also claimed that he couldn’t be around her without another person as it wasn’t safe for him.  That is laughable!  Well his initial idea that a couple of months apart has turned into several months apart.  Early on she was holding her own – not overdoing the alcohol.  But it took it’s toll….the alcohol took over and thank God she took herself to rehab.

Oh, he’d love to know she’s in rehab.  That would play right into his attorney’s hands in court.  Blasting her for being an alcoholic, telling the jury how she can’t think straight, how stupid she is and how she’s out of control, has no memory of anything that ever happened.  Trying to place the blame anywhere but on W.  He will not know she’s there – do you think he should be privy to this info?

 

An Abusive Marriage

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It’s crazy but about a year after Kae and W tied the knot in a visually beautiful outdoor ceremony she confided in me that on the day of her wedding she knew it was destined to be an unhappy one – for her anyway.  This news came as a surprise to me – sort of…..

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A marriage blown’ in the wind and it hadn’t even begun.  WTF? I went through a slew of emotions in that moment…sadness, anger, curiosity, compassion, and lots of questions began to go through my head.

Me: Why didn’t you say something?  Her: I thought it would get better.  Me: What would get better?   Her: He’d be happy that I was his wife.  Me: Why are you unhappy?  Her: He says awful things to me, he tries to control me, he puts me down.  Me: He treats everyone that way I didn’t realize it was so serious.  Her: It’s okay mom it’ll get better.

Needless to say I left that conversation feeling empty and worried.  What hadn’t she shared with me?  At that time she shared most of what was happening with his verbal abuse which translates to emotional abuse.  She didn’t share about the time he threw a margarita glass at her which luckily missed her head and shattered into the wall behind her.  Didn’t mention the time he walked out in a rage, got in his truck and bumped into her body with said truck, as she tried to stop him from leaving. Alerting neighbors who were quickly dismissed – calling it a misunderstanding – an accident.  She didn’t tell me about the times he told her to “get the hell out of the room” so he could concentrate on his video games.  Her drinking was just beginning then…..

Fast forward about 2 years.  Bottom line  – while throwing a temper tantrum W threw a plate of food along with his knife and fork at Kae.  Remarkably the fork impaled her hand.  I don’t imagine that W expected that exact scenario but that’s what he got.  Kae called for help – finally.