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Who Is This Girl?

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There are days where Kae seems like the person I know – have know all her life…other days….I scratch my head wondering who is this person?  Lately it seems she has a handle on her alcohol use…I don’t live with her so I guess I’ll never know for sure but she seems lucid and sober.  What baffles me is the choices she makes and her lack of self motivation.

It’s almost impossible for me to believe that she is actively searching for a job.  Is she too picky?  Her Dad and I can’t imagine that she won’t get a job that brings in some money and would still allow her to search for that perfect, big dollar dream job.  Ok – one day a week she has a lovely job that could turn into more…meantime there are 6 other days in the week and that leaves plenty of opportunity for another part time job.  Sadly, I don’t understand.

My daughter has always been self motivated but lately she doesn’t seem to have it in her.  I know with a sentencing date for W approaching – like less than a week away – that is weighing on her mind.  A divorce that has just begun and still only a very, very part time job…She has waaaaaay too much time to think about everything.  Maybe she simply can’t find the band-width to get up off her butt and take care of filling out forms for attorneys, picking up her house, folding laundry, finding a job…..

I love her the same as always and am hopeful that the day will come when she is 100% back to being the girl we raised her to be…..maybe she’ll never be “THAT” person again though.  Possibly, having an abusive husband took so much of her that she’ll be different.  Of course, I’d never want her to be in that situation again and so there would need to be changes.

What I really think is that I have no idea exactly how she is coping with all that she is going through.  What an emotional rollercoaster she is on.  I try to tell myself that she’s doing the best she can under the circumstances…but I’m not always successful in convincing myself of that.  Part of me wants to go visit for a few days…part of me doesn’t…

Today I’m scratching my head – tomorrow is a new day!

 

Overwhelmed

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Why girl crying

I think about parents who are going through something similar with an adult child.  Alcohol abuse, drug abuse or other addictions that are crippling to a family.  I wonder if their child has other issues creating havoc in their lives?  Like an impending divorce, a domestic violence dispute and no job.  Yes, Kae found a very, really part time job but seriously y’all she needs more!

My heart stays a little clinched up at the thought of all she is going through.  The domestic violence charges against W will come to an end later this month.  What will  be his punishment?  We don’t know at this time, of course, but it’s impossible not to be on edge about what the final outcome will be.  You know, my heart breaks for him too – sort of – not that I think he should slide away with no consequences but I’m sad that this person chose his actions so poorly!  He has stated that it was an accident that he hurt her….I don’t agree.  Objects do not fly on their own.  I’ll discuss it after the final court date because I’m sure regardless of the outcome it’ll take me a minute to digest it.  Kae, well depending on what happens may feel confident that he was served the correct punishment. What if she doesn’t feel that way?  Will it send her spiraling again?

Now this divorce – well for starters it’s freakin expensive just to get an attorney on board.   My daughter pulled together the necessary funds with some creative thinking and a little help from her dad.  Just a little.  They say he will be hit with refunding that money to her – since he started the process – time will tell about that one.  They also say there will be some spousal support for a short time.  I can hear the anger in her voice that has been pent up for several months.  Angry that he became too physical, too hateful, too controlling.  Angry at herself for not putting a stop to it before they said “I do” or at least shortly thereafter.  I pray her anger doesn’t get the best of her..She told me her attorney is black and white – this is the law – we can’t worry about feelings!  I completely get it.  I think she does too!

A large question looming over her and her family is what will happen when they put the house on the market and it sells?  Where will she go?  Wouldn’t it be comforting to know there was a regular paycheck coming in?  It is scary for me and I know for her to be living on this edge…..

Arrrggghhhhh! When will it all end?  I can actually see the light at the end of her tunnel.  She told me she is seeing it too.  The alcohol use and abuse remains a question for her family and for her too.  When it’s all over will she be able to drink socially – normally?  Or will she be considered an alcoholic?  If you have some ideas – please share them in the comments.  It’s the one unknown that weighs heaviest on my heart.

Can it be that a person goes in a downward spiral when things are out of control?  When their husband is abusive, demeaning, hurtful, controlling.  When they’ve been laid off and for a year can’t find employment.  When their confidence and self worth are nonexistent …could it be that one turns to substance abuse to numb the fear and feelings?  Could it be that when life becomes stable and safe and happy that the abuse goes away?

She is always my daughter and time will tell….

 

 

Miracles Do Happen

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When I last posted I mentioned that I hoped when we returned from our trip that some good stuff would have miraculously happened in Kae’s life.  I am pleased to announce that two of the things I’d hoped for came true. 1. She was served with a divorce summons!

Not something that a mother would normally be happy about but under the circumstances – domestic violence – this mother is happy!  Of course this summons comes after W cut off the water, electricity, internet, cable, cancelled credit cards, changed bank accounts and ceased contributing to the mortgage payment.  He wrote a clause in the papers stating that from the day she was served “both parties are restrained from making any changes to any insurance, bank accounts, etc….. So calculated!

2. She also found employment one day a week with a law firm – not the one she will use to finalize her impending divorce.  I do not know if it’s these two facts that contributed to her decision to halt the alcohol use again – but she has been sober for several weeks now.  Crossing my fingers that she can continue down this path.  Like….crossing my toes and arms and legs too!

In the last few weeks – actually it began to happen while we were away – my conversations with her turned for the better.  I didn’t hang up wondering, “is she drinking?” . I hung up knowing she was sober by her voice, her words, her laugh.  You may not have any idea how good this feels.

Today I remain hopeful!

My Biggest Fears

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Why girl crying

In my last post abut Kae’s self-centeredness I mentioned how her Dad said one night, “she’s going to die”.  Do you know how shocking it was to hear him say that?  His voice cracked at the words.  We are afraid.  We love our daughter deeply.  We feel helpless – we are helpless.  We cannot “fix” her, control her or punish her for her bad choices.  She’s not 4 anymore.  Boy was she something when she was 4 – smart, inquisitive, funny, cute and talented.

What happened?  A parent  – me – my husband – cannot imagine how she ended up on this awful journey.  Why?  Why did this happen – why can’t she get a grip on her life?  SO many questions……..

I used to imagine her life – happy, vibrant, successful – for a time it was.  What the hell happened?  I mean I know the marriage sucked, she was laid-off from a great job….but why did she choose such a self-destructive manner in which to tackle these circumstances?

Now when I think about her future I don’t know what to visualize. Will she recover or be  homeless, dead, down and out?  I try to picture her coming out of this and going back to the beautiful, smart and talented young woman  – the one that is still residing in her – somewhere….I desperately want to love that girl again.

I feel empty and sad and fearful, but I love her so very much – she will always be my daughter.

It’s All About Me

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Kae has taken on a copious amount of self pity and self absorption.  It’s pathetic at times. But she will always be my daughter and I love her no matter, it just makes it hard to like her at times.  Her self-centeredness seems to often cause her to be somewhat of a bully.  Yuck!

The fact that she has been drinking again certainly exacerbates this behavior.  It’s interesting when she is under the influence she seems to have little or no interest in what anyone else in her family is doing, how they are feeling or what is happening in their day. Not only does she seem completely disinterested in anyone else but seems to be somewhat of a bully – making snide comments or laughing at one of us.  Trying to set up a conversation whereby she can laugh at the other person.  It’s mean!

Her younger sister has gotten to where she pretty much never answers Kae’s calls as she seems to always be the brunt of some nastiness.  Some self-righteous holier than thou remarks about her education and maturity…which I am sad to say is laughable at this point.  That education and her level of maturity aren’t doing her one bit of good today.  Jobless and stuck in a rut I’m clear on this fact – she has no room to laugh at anyone else, put them down or criticize.

My heart once again breaks as my baby girl is so disheartened to see her older, role model of a sister going down this harrowing path.  She can no longer look up to her model behavior of the past.  It makes her so sad and yet she can’t bear to be belittled and tortured by meaningless, hateful, drunk conversations.  She wants to “fix” it.  I remind her we can’t.

Just this week Kae called me twice and I didn’t answer as I had just sat down in a restaurant, alone to enjoy a meal.  When my phone rang a third time I decided I’d better pick up. She had connected the three of us to a conference call and thought it was hilariously funny when I couldn’t make sense of who I was speaking with.  When I finally realized we were all three on the phone call and heard my baby girl say, “I’m at work”, I knew she could not stay on the line.

Kae started a ramble about some pain and swelling in her jaw, with complete disregard to little one being at work and no idea what Mom was up to.  Recently she had tripped and fallen – landing on her chin and splitting it wide open – requiring 6 stitches.  It pains me to write this as I know she’d been drinking when she fell.  She tried to blow it off by saying she’d tripped over some tree roots and fallen, perfectly sober.  Perfectly a lie!  Drawing all attention to a possible medical issue – with not one concern for what her sister or her mom might be in the middle of.  Baby girl hung up – I stayed on for a few minutes and encouraged her to go to the ER if she was concerned that this was something serious.  Then I got off – feeling empty.  Always worried that I could be the one being self-centered.

My stomach goes in knots – yet I remain perplexed as to how she can go on like this. Tell me, how can she?  Marriage down the drain, jobless, stitches in your face, friends and neighbors – OH and family concerned for her safety and well being yet she continues on this crazy path of destruction.  Her Dad says, “she’s going to die”.  He doesn’t say this without a break in his voice – but at this point he can only imagine what else could possibly happen.

Remember she lives across the country.  Should we try to go get her?  She’s a grown woman…I’m not sure we can force her to do anything.  Her Dad did call her the next day and plant a seed….she can come to where we live for a while and try to find work in our area.  Is this the answer?  We don’t know but it is about our last straw in reaching out and offering a better life.  She cannot come and stay forever, for free.  She can come and seek work, save a little money and then find a little place to rent……ahhhhhh…I wish!

We are afraid she will never recover from this life of madness if she remains where she is – in that house, that town, that state of mind.

She will always be my daughter…..

Can I Drink Without Feeling Guilty?

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Here’s a big question – can I enjoy a glass of wine or a cold beer without feeling guilty?  How does this work?  I am not the one with an addiction. It’s not a question of not drinking when I’m with my daughter, that seems like the logical and loving road to take when we are together.

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For me, I have this knot about drinking when I am not with her.  I feel a bit guilty but I don’t know why?  I guess it’s from memories of way back when – when she didn’t have a problem.  When we could have one glass of wine with lunch and move on.  ONE!  When we took a cooler of beer to the beach and it lasted all day among several adults.  When we celebrated a birthday with a few of glasses of bubbly and nobody got drunk.  Remembering those joyful and fun times…I honestly think having fun at all – alcohol or not makes me feel guilty.  SO.  Maybe I just answered my own question – I need to move beyond being so engaged with her life and remember that I have no reason not to enjoy mine.

Have you traveled this road?  Do you have experience with a loved one who has a problem with alcohol?  Do you drink in front of them?  Do you avoid it like the plague?  Does the alcoholic ever reach a stage where they simply don’t have any desire to take a sip of alcohol and don’t have a problem being around those who do drink?

I have so many questions but these seem so pressing..

When Kae comes to visit do we hide every bottle of alcohol in the house?  It seems so tempting to just dangle that carrot out there in front of her…like setting her up to fail.  No loving parent would do that on purpose.

How do we handle the “family”.   Not our immediate one but the extended aunts, uncles, cousins?  I know it is her choice to divulge her stint in rehab or not.  If she chooses not to share then they are not given the opportunity to choose abstinence  – if she fesses up I think most would be fine not indulging when with her.

I’d love feedback if you’ve been down this road!

 

Feeling Guilty Yes Or No?

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When a loved one is suffering I find it hard to feel 100% joyful.  You know if they’re under the weather, suffering a loss, had a breakup, lost a job.  I have been having a severely hard time feeling happy knowing where my daughter has been.  And by where she has been I mean, for the last couple of years she has been in a bad place.  A place of self-destruction, pain, falseness and fear.  Tell me how in the world a mother can feel joy knowing her daughter is in that place?  I feel guilty feeling fantastic when my precious daughter is passed out at 2 in the afternoon from the effects of too much booze.

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After I read the book about setting boundaries I begin to take a look at myself and question whether or not it’s ok to laugh, to take pleasure in an event, to take a trip and have fun.  I decided then that I had no choice but to do those things and do them freely.  After all I am not the addict and I do not make her choices for her.  I get to choose myself what I want to do and how I feel, how I react to what ever life hands me.

That is when I started taking long walks daily and enjoying those moments.  Stopping to smell the roses, literally, laughing at kids playing on a playground, petting someones’s friendly dog – if only for an hour a day I was finding some joy!  It felt good – kind of…

Since then I’ve said to my husband on more than one occasion that I refuse to let her choices affect every waking moment of my day.  My husband and I have an active and adventurous lifestyle.  Meeting friends for a cold beer, hosting a dinner party or hitting the local bike trails, we take pleasure in life.  Now does this mean I don’t think about her or wonder how her day is going…do I fret over when the next frantic or plastered phone call will come…Well yes, I do but I’ve made a conscious decision not to allow myself to be addicted to her anymore.

I do not feel guilty…I do feel sad when her day is miserable…it’s her choice.  I mourn it and move on.  I may mourn it more than once throughout the day but it’s not consuming my entire life.  That is one reason I decided to record this journey.  In hopes that it will lighten my load, take if off my chest and allow me to carry on with joy.  So for now I am throwing my guilt out the freakin’ window!

It’ll continue to be a learning process to stay in this mind set.  I know I am not the only one who is living this  – this life of loving a daughter who is an addict.  You know, that’s still really hard to say and I’m not too keen on saying that to just anybody but I did just say it to the entire universe!

I’ll be sharing more about Kae’s failed marriage and how all that came to be, soon.  What happened to trigger her need or desire to drink, then to drink too much and so on.  From the outside in it’s not that hard to visualize how it all came to be  –  in hindsight.

Always My Daughter