divorce

Who Is This Girl?

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There are days where Kae seems like the person I know – have know all her life…other days….I scratch my head wondering who is this person?  Lately it seems she has a handle on her alcohol use…I don’t live with her so I guess I’ll never know for sure but she seems lucid and sober.  What baffles me is the choices she makes and her lack of self motivation.

It’s almost impossible for me to believe that she is actively searching for a job.  Is she too picky?  Her Dad and I can’t imagine that she won’t get a job that brings in some money and would still allow her to search for that perfect, big dollar dream job.  Ok – one day a week she has a lovely job that could turn into more…meantime there are 6 other days in the week and that leaves plenty of opportunity for another part time job.  Sadly, I don’t understand.

My daughter has always been self motivated but lately she doesn’t seem to have it in her.  I know with a sentencing date for W approaching – like less than a week away – that is weighing on her mind.  A divorce that has just begun and still only a very, very part time job…She has waaaaaay too much time to think about everything.  Maybe she simply can’t find the band-width to get up off her butt and take care of filling out forms for attorneys, picking up her house, folding laundry, finding a job…..

I love her the same as always and am hopeful that the day will come when she is 100% back to being the girl we raised her to be…..maybe she’ll never be “THAT” person again though.  Possibly, having an abusive husband took so much of her that she’ll be different.  Of course, I’d never want her to be in that situation again and so there would need to be changes.

What I really think is that I have no idea exactly how she is coping with all that she is going through.  What an emotional rollercoaster she is on.  I try to tell myself that she’s doing the best she can under the circumstances…but I’m not always successful in convincing myself of that.  Part of me wants to go visit for a few days…part of me doesn’t…

Today I’m scratching my head – tomorrow is a new day!

 

Overwhelmed

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Why girl crying

I think about parents who are going through something similar with an adult child.  Alcohol abuse, drug abuse or other addictions that are crippling to a family.  I wonder if their child has other issues creating havoc in their lives?  Like an impending divorce, a domestic violence dispute and no job.  Yes, Kae found a very, really part time job but seriously y’all she needs more!

My heart stays a little clinched up at the thought of all she is going through.  The domestic violence charges against W will come to an end later this month.  What will  be his punishment?  We don’t know at this time, of course, but it’s impossible not to be on edge about what the final outcome will be.  You know, my heart breaks for him too – sort of – not that I think he should slide away with no consequences but I’m sad that this person chose his actions so poorly!  He has stated that it was an accident that he hurt her….I don’t agree.  Objects do not fly on their own.  I’ll discuss it after the final court date because I’m sure regardless of the outcome it’ll take me a minute to digest it.  Kae, well depending on what happens may feel confident that he was served the correct punishment. What if she doesn’t feel that way?  Will it send her spiraling again?

Now this divorce – well for starters it’s freakin expensive just to get an attorney on board.   My daughter pulled together the necessary funds with some creative thinking and a little help from her dad.  Just a little.  They say he will be hit with refunding that money to her – since he started the process – time will tell about that one.  They also say there will be some spousal support for a short time.  I can hear the anger in her voice that has been pent up for several months.  Angry that he became too physical, too hateful, too controlling.  Angry at herself for not putting a stop to it before they said “I do” or at least shortly thereafter.  I pray her anger doesn’t get the best of her..She told me her attorney is black and white – this is the law – we can’t worry about feelings!  I completely get it.  I think she does too!

A large question looming over her and her family is what will happen when they put the house on the market and it sells?  Where will she go?  Wouldn’t it be comforting to know there was a regular paycheck coming in?  It is scary for me and I know for her to be living on this edge…..

Arrrggghhhhh! When will it all end?  I can actually see the light at the end of her tunnel.  She told me she is seeing it too.  The alcohol use and abuse remains a question for her family and for her too.  When it’s all over will she be able to drink socially – normally?  Or will she be considered an alcoholic?  If you have some ideas – please share them in the comments.  It’s the one unknown that weighs heaviest on my heart.

Can it be that a person goes in a downward spiral when things are out of control?  When their husband is abusive, demeaning, hurtful, controlling.  When they’ve been laid off and for a year can’t find employment.  When their confidence and self worth are nonexistent …could it be that one turns to substance abuse to numb the fear and feelings?  Could it be that when life becomes stable and safe and happy that the abuse goes away?

She is always my daughter and time will tell….

 

 

Hoping Not Knowing

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You know I was having coffee with a friend and we were discussing Kae’s situation in terms of the impending divorce.  I mentioned how many times my daughter has said to me, “all I want is a marriage like you and dad have”.  That comment got me to thinking about how you get a good, solid, respectful, safe and happy marriage.

It also got me to thinking about how when Kae and W took their vows I’m almost certain she only hoped that it would be a solid marriage but she didn’t know it would be!  She wasn’t certain, but she pushed those thoughts aside.  Now there are many contributing factors to a “good” marriage but when abuse is already taking place I think we would all agree it’s not going to be one of those!

Had she shared about W’s abusive behavior before the wedding I’m certain her dad and I would’ve seriously had her reconsider going into this marriage.  You know her alcohol use was normal before she was in this relationship….I wonder, of course if it will be normal when the divorce is final and she can move on…..And as of now she is doing great!

So what makes a good marriage? Trust, respect, a sense of humor, honesty, flexibility, kindness, generosity, willingness to help, understanding, compassion. To me those are all important.  Feeling safe too, and she didn’t, but we didn’t know.

They went for counseling before the wedding day – a few times and had the priest convinced that they had their act together and were good candidates for marriage.  W had us convinced too….I mean there were occasional smart ass comments, or odd little things but we had no idea what was to come.

Now I am thinking she was hoping and she did know….she knew it might not last….but hoped it would.  I am hopeful that the next time she finds a man and is proposed to (I am confident this will happen sometime in the future) that she will know for certain it is right and good and can simply hope that she doesn’t trip going down the aisle!

So much to think about.

Miracles Do Happen

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When I last posted I mentioned that I hoped when we returned from our trip that some good stuff would have miraculously happened in Kae’s life.  I am pleased to announce that two of the things I’d hoped for came true. 1. She was served with a divorce summons!

Not something that a mother would normally be happy about but under the circumstances – domestic violence – this mother is happy!  Of course this summons comes after W cut off the water, electricity, internet, cable, cancelled credit cards, changed bank accounts and ceased contributing to the mortgage payment.  He wrote a clause in the papers stating that from the day she was served “both parties are restrained from making any changes to any insurance, bank accounts, etc….. So calculated!

2. She also found employment one day a week with a law firm – not the one she will use to finalize her impending divorce.  I do not know if it’s these two facts that contributed to her decision to halt the alcohol use again – but she has been sober for several weeks now.  Crossing my fingers that she can continue down this path.  Like….crossing my toes and arms and legs too!

In the last few weeks – actually it began to happen while we were away – my conversations with her turned for the better.  I didn’t hang up wondering, “is she drinking?” . I hung up knowing she was sober by her voice, her words, her laugh.  You may not have any idea how good this feels.

Today I remain hopeful!

It’s All About Me

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Kae has taken on a copious amount of self pity and self absorption.  It’s pathetic at times. But she will always be my daughter and I love her no matter, it just makes it hard to like her at times.  Her self-centeredness seems to often cause her to be somewhat of a bully.  Yuck!

The fact that she has been drinking again certainly exacerbates this behavior.  It’s interesting when she is under the influence she seems to have little or no interest in what anyone else in her family is doing, how they are feeling or what is happening in their day. Not only does she seem completely disinterested in anyone else but seems to be somewhat of a bully – making snide comments or laughing at one of us.  Trying to set up a conversation whereby she can laugh at the other person.  It’s mean!

Her younger sister has gotten to where she pretty much never answers Kae’s calls as she seems to always be the brunt of some nastiness.  Some self-righteous holier than thou remarks about her education and maturity…which I am sad to say is laughable at this point.  That education and her level of maturity aren’t doing her one bit of good today.  Jobless and stuck in a rut I’m clear on this fact – she has no room to laugh at anyone else, put them down or criticize.

My heart once again breaks as my baby girl is so disheartened to see her older, role model of a sister going down this harrowing path.  She can no longer look up to her model behavior of the past.  It makes her so sad and yet she can’t bear to be belittled and tortured by meaningless, hateful, drunk conversations.  She wants to “fix” it.  I remind her we can’t.

Just this week Kae called me twice and I didn’t answer as I had just sat down in a restaurant, alone to enjoy a meal.  When my phone rang a third time I decided I’d better pick up. She had connected the three of us to a conference call and thought it was hilariously funny when I couldn’t make sense of who I was speaking with.  When I finally realized we were all three on the phone call and heard my baby girl say, “I’m at work”, I knew she could not stay on the line.

Kae started a ramble about some pain and swelling in her jaw, with complete disregard to little one being at work and no idea what Mom was up to.  Recently she had tripped and fallen – landing on her chin and splitting it wide open – requiring 6 stitches.  It pains me to write this as I know she’d been drinking when she fell.  She tried to blow it off by saying she’d tripped over some tree roots and fallen, perfectly sober.  Perfectly a lie!  Drawing all attention to a possible medical issue – with not one concern for what her sister or her mom might be in the middle of.  Baby girl hung up – I stayed on for a few minutes and encouraged her to go to the ER if she was concerned that this was something serious.  Then I got off – feeling empty.  Always worried that I could be the one being self-centered.

My stomach goes in knots – yet I remain perplexed as to how she can go on like this. Tell me, how can she?  Marriage down the drain, jobless, stitches in your face, friends and neighbors – OH and family concerned for her safety and well being yet she continues on this crazy path of destruction.  Her Dad says, “she’s going to die”.  He doesn’t say this without a break in his voice – but at this point he can only imagine what else could possibly happen.

Remember she lives across the country.  Should we try to go get her?  She’s a grown woman…I’m not sure we can force her to do anything.  Her Dad did call her the next day and plant a seed….she can come to where we live for a while and try to find work in our area.  Is this the answer?  We don’t know but it is about our last straw in reaching out and offering a better life.  She cannot come and stay forever, for free.  She can come and seek work, save a little money and then find a little place to rent……ahhhhhh…I wish!

We are afraid she will never recover from this life of madness if she remains where she is – in that house, that town, that state of mind.

She will always be my daughter…..

When Did She Become An Alcoholic?

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I am baffled.  How was she able to drink responsibly for so long and then BAM – she lost all control? My suspicions tell me her dreary marriage and controlling husband spurred her over the edge.  True or false?

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I ponder this question daily.  I will probably never have a concrete answer.

When I think back over the days since my daughter left for college up to after she got married I see a shift in her drinking pattern.  In college she worked in a bar – in hindsight her Dad and I wish we’d have discouraged that more adamantly – hindsight…always 20/20.  Anyway we didn’t, but it didn’t seem that her alcohol consumption was out of the ordinary.  No waking up and hitting the bottle, no sneaking around to acquire alcohol, no hiding it from her loved ones.

When we did step up and lay down an ultimatum was when we noticed that the nights were too late, the crowd inappropriate and the grades slipping.  Most of the people she met and chose to hang out with were already done with or hadn’t attended college so they could stay up till 4 and not worry about missing an 8am class.  That was not the case for Kae. Her Dad laid down the law and she quit that job.  Things got better and she graduated!  OH HAPPY DAY!

She quickly found a job and began to live life as a young, educated adult.  At this time her future husband and she moved in together.  Both employed and both behaving as any proud parent would anticipate.  What I recall is she never drank alone back then.

What I also recall is that after they were married and even a bit before, the angst I would see in her face when they would come for a visit or when we would spend a weekend with them.  The constant “I’m not happy” face – but how would her family know that this was becoming the norm.  I’d question her about it and she’d give me reasons….He wants to leave early so we can stop by his parents on the way home….( on a side note – his parents lived 45 minutes away from where K & W lived- we lived a few hours away) He doesn’t want to fight traffic, He doesn’t like the way I was putting on makeup this morning…He never wanted her to wear makeup or fix her hair.  I kick myself because these were clear cut signs that he was bullying her.  Again hindsight.

Its obvious now that living under his thumb was taking it’s toll on her.  Slowly and surely she turned to alcohol as an escape.  I remember getting up on the day they would be leaving and finding a few extra beer bottles or a polished off bottle of wine in the recycle.  I also remember asking a couple of times – “did you guys stay up late and drink all that?”  It was never pointed out that it was only her because at that time it wasn’t.  One point I make here is that if he thought she had a problem with alcohol all along why didn’t he tell us?  Why didn’t he get a handle on his own consumption?  More about that in a future post!

What I now see is that the pattern began then….after her marriage began to go south. It only became visible and apparent the last couple of years.  Day drinking was not involved, drinking to the point of passing out wasn’t happening, addiction had not taken hold.

Join me soon as I discuss more about how the story unfolds…….sadly my husband nor I saw it coming until it was too late.

Today I feel blessed that she sought help!

What Happened Next

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I last wrote about the final opportunity W was given to physically abuse Kae.  He spent the next 10 days away due to a restraining order which he broke by contacting her via a friends phone.  He now faces a felony domestic violence charge.  This scenario drums up another emotional rollercoaster for the fam.

Now it’s a big mess with a District Attorney, a defense attorney, a witness (who by the way was not at the scene), a police report, subpoenas, and a judge and jury.  Yep, no plea bargaining for W – he’s going for the jury trial.  This crap could drag on for a while or if we’re fortunate it will happen on the first jury trial date that has been scheduled.

Am I pissed off that he hurt her? You damn right I am.  Do I want to see him go to prison – not necessarily, but since he continues to chalk up his actions as an accident, maybe I do. I definitely think the consequences need to speak to him and help him understand there is not one thing about choosing to throw something at your wife that is accidental.  It was a conscious decision.

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Maybe sitting behind bars would cause him to take a deeper look inside.  You see, all along he has blamed everything that’s gone wrong on Kae.  We all know that it takes two people to screw up a marriage.  Even his family calls it an accident.  More than likely he stands to loose his job.  That is sad.  Job vs. life?  Well consider this scenario.  If the fork or knife had impaled a different body part Kae could’ve lost her life – what about that?  I know that isn’t what happened but who would’ve thought the fork would impale her hand?

If her drinking was taking a toll before this all happened I can assure you this exacerbated her alcohol intake.  After his 10 days away, (restraining order) he came back and played Mr. Nice guy for about 2 days.  Then it started all over again – she was angry now.  Probably spewing plenty of not nice words and threats about what would happen if he touched her again.  He moved out.  Of course he’s too chicken shit to discuss this idea with her – he waited until she was away from the house to pack a bag and go.

This act started Kae on a giant rollercoaster ride of do I, or do I not want a divorce.  He stayed in constant contact via text messages or phone calls, always telling her how much he loves her and how they need some time apart.  W also claimed that he couldn’t be around her without another person as it wasn’t safe for him.  That is laughable!  Well his initial idea that a couple of months apart has turned into several months apart.  Early on she was holding her own – not overdoing the alcohol.  But it took it’s toll….the alcohol took over and thank God she took herself to rehab.

Oh, he’d love to know she’s in rehab.  That would play right into his attorney’s hands in court.  Blasting her for being an alcoholic, telling the jury how she can’t think straight, how stupid she is and how she’s out of control, has no memory of anything that ever happened.  Trying to place the blame anywhere but on W.  He will not know she’s there – do you think he should be privy to this info?

 

An Abusive Marriage

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It’s crazy but about a year after Kae and W tied the knot in a visually beautiful outdoor ceremony she confided in me that on the day of her wedding she knew it was destined to be an unhappy one – for her anyway.  This news came as a surprise to me – sort of…..

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A marriage blown’ in the wind and it hadn’t even begun.  WTF? I went through a slew of emotions in that moment…sadness, anger, curiosity, compassion, and lots of questions began to go through my head.

Me: Why didn’t you say something?  Her: I thought it would get better.  Me: What would get better?   Her: He’d be happy that I was his wife.  Me: Why are you unhappy?  Her: He says awful things to me, he tries to control me, he puts me down.  Me: He treats everyone that way I didn’t realize it was so serious.  Her: It’s okay mom it’ll get better.

Needless to say I left that conversation feeling empty and worried.  What hadn’t she shared with me?  At that time she shared most of what was happening with his verbal abuse which translates to emotional abuse.  She didn’t share about the time he threw a margarita glass at her which luckily missed her head and shattered into the wall behind her.  Didn’t mention the time he walked out in a rage, got in his truck and bumped into her body with said truck, as she tried to stop him from leaving. Alerting neighbors who were quickly dismissed – calling it a misunderstanding – an accident.  She didn’t tell me about the times he told her to “get the hell out of the room” so he could concentrate on his video games.  Her drinking was just beginning then…..

Fast forward about 2 years.  Bottom line  – while throwing a temper tantrum W threw a plate of food along with his knife and fork at Kae.  Remarkably the fork impaled her hand.  I don’t imagine that W expected that exact scenario but that’s what he got.  Kae called for help – finally.