counseling

Hoping Not Knowing

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WeddingVectorGraphic2Preview

You know I was having coffee with a friend and we were discussing Kae’s situation in terms of the impending divorce.  I mentioned how many times my daughter has said to me, “all I want is a marriage like you and dad have”.  That comment got me to thinking about how you get a good, solid, respectful, safe and happy marriage.

It also got me to thinking about how when Kae and W took their vows I’m almost certain she only hoped that it would be a solid marriage but she didn’t know it would be!  She wasn’t certain, but she pushed those thoughts aside.  Now there are many contributing factors to a “good” marriage but when abuse is already taking place I think we would all agree it’s not going to be one of those!

Had she shared about W’s abusive behavior before the wedding I’m certain her dad and I would’ve seriously had her reconsider going into this marriage.  You know her alcohol use was normal before she was in this relationship….I wonder, of course if it will be normal when the divorce is final and she can move on…..And as of now she is doing great!

So what makes a good marriage? Trust, respect, a sense of humor, honesty, flexibility, kindness, generosity, willingness to help, understanding, compassion. To me those are all important.  Feeling safe too, and she didn’t, but we didn’t know.

They went for counseling before the wedding day – a few times and had the priest convinced that they had their act together and were good candidates for marriage.  W had us convinced too….I mean there were occasional smart ass comments, or odd little things but we had no idea what was to come.

Now I am thinking she was hoping and she did know….she knew it might not last….but hoped it would.  I am hopeful that the next time she finds a man and is proposed to (I am confident this will happen sometime in the future) that she will know for certain it is right and good and can simply hope that she doesn’t trip going down the aisle!

So much to think about.

Countless Hours On The Phone

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communication-afternoon

Before my daughter decided to check herself into rehab we spoke daily.  I don’t mean just one or two times a day I mean sometimes for 2-3 hours at a time during the day and often times another hour or 2 at. night.  I was exhausted! During the last several months before W threw his plate, knife and fork at her and for several weeks after I also found myself having multiple lengthy conversations with him.

See that drawing above?  That’s how the conversations usually felt with both of them.  With Kae it was a guessing game as to her state of soberness.  Many conversations I knew I was speaking with a drunk person, at times it was questionable and occasionally I knew she was sober.  With W, I spent considerable time asking questions that would verify something she’d told me about his behavior, or asking him what he wanted to do about their situation.

A few times I’d get a phone call from my daughter after having spoken to him where she would say, “something you said must’ve clicked because he’s being super nice”.  That never lasted more than a day or two.  When speaking with him he would express how hard it was to deal with an alcoholic (no shit), he’d tell me he just didn’t know what to do, he would divulge occurrences like, “she drank so much at the wedding she fell down”.

My end of the conversation went something like this, “have you gotten rid of all the alcohol in your house?  Are you still smoking pot every day?  Why do’t you go with her to a counselor and seek that help?  Are you talking to your parents about this?  Can you give up drinking to be supportive of her if she quits?  And on and on and on ……..

In hindsight none of my chatter did a bit of good.  In response to my question regarding if he was talking to his own family about the situation his response was always,” they just know about Kae and how much she drinks – they are worried about her”.  SO what this tells me is that he didn’t divulge anything regarding his bad behavior.

After he impaled her with a fork my conversations initially escalated with him but soon began to diminish.  Somehow it didn’t seem right to carry on conversations with a person who hurt my daughter.  At one point he told me, “my parents aren’t involved”.. I responded with, “I wish they would get involved so you’d have some input from them.”  I told him this knowing that I was about to cut off communication with him.  I was sick and tired of hearing all the blame being placed on her – in his eyes it is her fault the fork went through her hand and glass shattered and cut her arms and hands.  Once I realized he wasn’t about to accept responsibility for his own choice to throw the items at her I gave up having conversation with him.

Whew, one down and one to go.  After the incident with the fork for a good 6 or so weeks I spent many days with phone in hand – multitasking.  Making the bed, loading the dishwasher, folding laundry, taking a much needed walk, chopping veggies, getting ready to go to work.  Lucky for me I only work a few hours a week at a non-stressful job.  Most of the time Kae was full of babble – drunk or headed in that direction babble.  I know that many of our conversations were her trying to decipher what the hell was going on in her life and how did she get there.  I was over the lecturing as I knew by now that it did no good.  If anything I’d make a quick comment like, ” well as long as alcohol is involved nothing seems to be going in a good direction”.  It is a mother’s hope that one time – just one – that those words would ignite a fire in her daughter to take herself to a detox facility and check in.

I don’t think it was because of me that she finally went – it simply, finally clicked in her head.  That was what I’d been waiting for, praying for and wishing for.  At this stage W doesn’t even know she went.  I do question – what would he think?  It doesn’t matter though does it?  He’s got his own set of problems.  I am thankful that the lightbulb went off for her!

How About Happy Hour?

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happy-hour-1

This will make your jaw drop!  The incident I am about to tell you about happened almost 3 years ago.  In the beginning throes of drinking too much Kae decided one late fall day to go see a therapist/counselor regarding her marriage and her alcohol use.  At this time W was continually hounding her about her drinking – I can’t say how bad it was since I wasn’t around – (remember we don’t live close).  Back then it wasn’t even a case of drinking during the day but in the evenings when he’d come home from work and play his video game for countless hours.  A time, that in our family is always set aside for together time – sharing about our day and maybe having an alcoholic beverage, together.  Then dinner preparation, table setting, etc…Something done by everyone in the family.  In the case of Kae and W – 2 people.

I would like to take this time to interject that after arriving home from work W also usually did a few hits on a pipe full of marajuana and popped open a beer or two.  Kae would pour a glass of wine and then find herself ignored for the opportunity to play the game.  I suppose we could say, “she could’ve played the game too and then they would be together”.  Well we could say that…but video gaming is not her thing at all!  SO, no biggie until his game playing goes further into the night – well past cooking dinner time and guess what she was doing?  Finishing an entire bottle of wine and throwing something together for dinner – ALONE!  I might add this was a daily occurrence not an occasional one.

Realizing that her alcohol use was getting out of hand and feeling like her marriage was destined to be an unhappy one Kae turned to finding help.  After a little research she found a therapist and made an appointment.  She shared this information with her Dad and me and her husband – who upon finding out she was searching for someone to go to for help immediately laid down the law and forbade her to choose a male therapist.  Whatever – stupid and that should not matter but she chose a woman to keep him happy and headed to her first appointment about mid-afternoon.

We were all looking forward to hear how she felt about her visit and she called W and then me to fill us in on how it went.  Here’s the part where your jaw might fall open….

After W listened to a bit about the session – there’s not so much to tell after only one visit with a therapist – he said to her, “Great!  I’ll be home a little early to pick you up – we’re going to happy hour with Dave and Tim”.  WHAT THE HELL?????

My phone rang minutes later and crying into the phone she told me this story.  She begged off saying, “I just went to see someone about not drinking and he wants to take me to happy hour”, “I think he wants me to fail”, “What do I do Mom?”.  Of course my advice was to tell him, “NO” and follow up with that under no circumstance should “happy hour” be a part of their social time if he wanted her to stop drinking!  I urged her to tell him how serious she was about this situation – not only the alcohol use but their marriage too.  I suggested a bike ride, a walk, an alcohol free late afternoon picnic, a movie, anything where alcohol wasn’t the focus.

What do you think happened?  I’ll tell ya’ – he bullied her into going saying,” you can have just one or two glasses of wine”.  I imagine her eyes were red and swollen that evening from all the crying she did.  I hope he enjoyed himself!

I will never until the day I die understand his reasoning here.  Was it all about control?  Did he purposely set her up for failure by bullying her and constantly making plans around events where alcohol was prevalent?  Did he help the situation by not being willing to get alcohol out of the home?  Not drink himself? Oh – how about this one – don’t smoke pot either!

After this do you think she continued to go to her therapy sessions?  For a minute!  Then he started telling her how much more he knew than the therapist.  When she told him the therapist had suggested couples counseling he threw up his hands and infinitely told her he did not need help that she just needed to get well.  If I were guessing that night she popped a cork and downed a bottle of wine – ALONE.

Full of anxiety, fear, guilt and helplessness Kae became sad and lonely…..depressed too!

 

 

The 2 A.M. Phone Call – A True Nightmare

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If you are a parent you can relate to this – it’s 2am – you are sound asleep – your phone rings – it’s the ringtone for one of your children – you panic – you answer – you hold your breath – you don’t sleep anymore that night!  If you happen to fall back asleep you might have bad dreams because the phone call was a nightmare.

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Apparently the meme above should apply to our children at all stages of life not just to babies.  The familiar ring woke me up and I quickly grabbed for the phone – my husband was awakened too.  A sobbing Kae on the other end of the line. “Mom? I’m so sorry to call but….” sobbing…harder…Me, “honey what’s wrong?, I can’t understand you – take a deep breath”.

I slide out of bed grab my robe and head down the dark hallway to the living room sofa where I can talk without keeping my husband up.  Kae, “Mom I can’t do this anymore”. Me, “do what?”  By now I am beginning to realize she is pretty plastered.  My heart sinks, again.

She begins the dialogue. “Mom all he wants to do is belittle me and play that f*%king game.  He won’t pay any attention to me.  He won’t come to bed with me.”  Me, ” where are you?” Kae, “in my closet”. Me, “why are you in the closet?”  This is when she clicks me over to FaceTime.  In a way I wish she hadn’t because she looked God awful.  Drunk, red face, swollen eyes, hair looking as if rats lived in it.  It certainly opened my eyes as I’ve never seen her like this – ever!  Even on her worst sick day!  She was in the closet because as it turns out this is where she hid her wine and drank alone.

The conversation never really went anywhere.  It consisted of her saying “mom” a lot and me telling her to take a deep breath and go to bed, that we could talk the next day.  She begged me to stay on the line with her.  We got disconnected…she immediately called back.  We are into about 90 minutes of phone time now.  I answer and tell her not to do FaceTime because it’s dark……it worked for the moment and as I continued to talk to her I switched my phone to text and texted her husband…WHERE ARE YOU?  You need to go check on Kae.

Shortly after that he appears in the closet doorway and she quickly switches back to FaceTime.  So now I can see and hear everything.  He doesn’t seem to care. As he steps into the doorway he says,”What’s going on?” in a sickening sweet voice.  Next he coaxes her to the bed and lays down beside her with his arms crossed across his chest and a look of disgust on his face.  I understand it’s disgusting to see a drunk in action – especially if it’s someone you love.

She stayed on the phone a while longer – fading in and out – until I was able to convince her to hang up and get some sleep.  How do you think I felt?  Helpless, scared, confused for starters.  As I said I’ve never seen this before – not from my daughter or quite honestly anyone else.  This was the phone call that enlightened her Dad and me that what was happening in her life was a serious issue.  Our daughter….our precious daughter….

The next day we did talk and I encouraged her to seek help.  She did seek out a therapist.  You won’t believe what happened the first day she went for counseling after this incident.  I’ll tell you all about it in my next post.