I am baffled. How was she able to drink responsibly for so long and then BAM – she lost all control? My suspicions tell me her dreary marriage and controlling husband spurred her over the edge. True or false?
I ponder this question daily. I will probably never have a concrete answer.
When I think back over the days since my daughter left for college up to after she got married I see a shift in her drinking pattern. In college she worked in a bar – in hindsight her Dad and I wish we’d have discouraged that more adamantly – hindsight…always 20/20. Anyway we didn’t, but it didn’t seem that her alcohol consumption was out of the ordinary. No waking up and hitting the bottle, no sneaking around to acquire alcohol, no hiding it from her loved ones.
When we did step up and lay down an ultimatum was when we noticed that the nights were too late, the crowd inappropriate and the grades slipping. Most of the people she met and chose to hang out with were already done with or hadn’t attended college so they could stay up till 4 and not worry about missing an 8am class. That was not the case for Kae. Her Dad laid down the law and she quit that job. Things got better and she graduated! OH HAPPY DAY!
She quickly found a job and began to live life as a young, educated adult. At this time her future husband and she moved in together. Both employed and both behaving as any proud parent would anticipate. What I recall is she never drank alone back then.
What I also recall is that after they were married and even a bit before, the angst I would see in her face when they would come for a visit or when we would spend a weekend with them. The constant “I’m not happy” face – but how would her family know that this was becoming the norm. I’d question her about it and she’d give me reasons….He wants to leave early so we can stop by his parents on the way home….( on a side note – his parents lived 45 minutes away from where K & W lived- we lived a few hours away) He doesn’t want to fight traffic, He doesn’t like the way I was putting on makeup this morning…He never wanted her to wear makeup or fix her hair. I kick myself because these were clear cut signs that he was bullying her. Again hindsight.
Its obvious now that living under his thumb was taking it’s toll on her. Slowly and surely she turned to alcohol as an escape. I remember getting up on the day they would be leaving and finding a few extra beer bottles or a polished off bottle of wine in the recycle. I also remember asking a couple of times – “did you guys stay up late and drink all that?” It was never pointed out that it was only her because at that time it wasn’t. One point I make here is that if he thought she had a problem with alcohol all along why didn’t he tell us? Why didn’t he get a handle on his own consumption? More about that in a future post!
What I now see is that the pattern began then….after her marriage began to go south. It only became visible and apparent the last couple of years. Day drinking was not involved, drinking to the point of passing out wasn’t happening, addiction had not taken hold.
Join me soon as I discuss more about how the story unfolds…….sadly my husband nor I saw it coming until it was too late.
Today I feel blessed that she sought help!