symptoms

Does It Ever End?

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Secrecy….is evil and I don’t like it.  A friend who happens to be an Episcopal priest once told me, “secrets will destroy a family”.  Kae’s dad and I have found ourselves in a position to be secretive – lately…well for the last couple of years since this whole alcohol, abuse, divorce, mess began.

First it was her wanting us to be secretive.  “Don’t talk to W”.  Then I would end up in a conversation with him.  He’d call me to complain about her alcohol use and we would discuss ways he might be able to make changes that could possibly affect her behavior.  Frankly, none of those suggestions were ever put into practice.  Notice I didn’t say he ever discussed his contribution to the nastiness that was their marriage!  Then he and I would decide not to tell her we’d talked.  This wasn’t a constant battle but one that always made me feel like such a louse.  I don’t like to lie and I don’t like liars!  So I don’t like myself when I lie either.

Lately it’s been her wanting us to be secretive from her one friend who lives close and knows pretty much what she’s up to.  When I realized she was drinking, again last week I didn’t automatically contact that friend but remember I said she went ballistic on me wondering if I was going to call.  I didn’t – her Dad did.  Read this post to clarify.   Truth of the matter is…she was so drunk that night that she doesn’t even remember what was said!

Yesterday I received a text from her neighbor asking if I’d spoken to her.  I had not but hadn’t thought much about it, and I was at work.  I took a short break and called her.  She answered, said she was folding laundry.  After a couple minutes of a rather awkward conversation she asks, “so did you call because Jackie contacted you?”  What do you think I did?  I lied….sadly.

What all of this means is, I care about her well being.  When a friend who speaks to her daily contacts me and expresses concern I become concerned.  Jackie doesn’t want Kae to know that she’s checking up but in reality she is – we all are.  Every time I call or text, even if I have plenty to chat about I feel like I am weighing in on her state of mind and soberness.

Jackie asked me not to tell Kae that she’d contacted me.  So I lied.  What Kae doesn’t seem to understand or grasp is that we are all concerned for her safety and well being – that is all!  She seems paranoid about a phone call or text between Jackie and me.  I think when she’s screwing up she figures I won’t know if I don’t hear from her friend so she gets freaked out thinking we might “talk about her” behind her back.

When will this end?  Part of me is grateful for a neighbor who is a friend and who keeps in contact daily – but part of me hates the secrecy of our conversations.  I truly have no one else to turn to or to contact, besides the police if I couldn’t reach Kae.  Yeah, W did a great job of convincing the friends they’d made when they moved (only a handful) that they should stay away.  Clearly they aren’t true friends or they’d have given her an opportunity to express her side.  So sadly she is alone.  Her friends live in another state- should she move?

Guys, I am pulling my hair out.  How can I come to terms with lying when it’s at the top of my list of “NO NO’S?  Ah ha….as I wrote that a thought came to me….maybe it’s time I level with Kae and tell her – “like it or not I will talk to whom ever I need when the need arises – especially if that person is reaching out to me”.

What do you think – is that a legit boundary?  Thoughts?

 

The 2 A.M. Phone Call – A True Nightmare

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If you are a parent you can relate to this – it’s 2am – you are sound asleep – your phone rings – it’s the ringtone for one of your children – you panic – you answer – you hold your breath – you don’t sleep anymore that night!  If you happen to fall back asleep you might have bad dreams because the phone call was a nightmare.

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Apparently the meme above should apply to our children at all stages of life not just to babies.  The familiar ring woke me up and I quickly grabbed for the phone – my husband was awakened too.  A sobbing Kae on the other end of the line. “Mom? I’m so sorry to call but….” sobbing…harder…Me, “honey what’s wrong?, I can’t understand you – take a deep breath”.

I slide out of bed grab my robe and head down the dark hallway to the living room sofa where I can talk without keeping my husband up.  Kae, “Mom I can’t do this anymore”. Me, “do what?”  By now I am beginning to realize she is pretty plastered.  My heart sinks, again.

She begins the dialogue. “Mom all he wants to do is belittle me and play that f*%king game.  He won’t pay any attention to me.  He won’t come to bed with me.”  Me, ” where are you?” Kae, “in my closet”. Me, “why are you in the closet?”  This is when she clicks me over to FaceTime.  In a way I wish she hadn’t because she looked God awful.  Drunk, red face, swollen eyes, hair looking as if rats lived in it.  It certainly opened my eyes as I’ve never seen her like this – ever!  Even on her worst sick day!  She was in the closet because as it turns out this is where she hid her wine and drank alone.

The conversation never really went anywhere.  It consisted of her saying “mom” a lot and me telling her to take a deep breath and go to bed, that we could talk the next day.  She begged me to stay on the line with her.  We got disconnected…she immediately called back.  We are into about 90 minutes of phone time now.  I answer and tell her not to do FaceTime because it’s dark……it worked for the moment and as I continued to talk to her I switched my phone to text and texted her husband…WHERE ARE YOU?  You need to go check on Kae.

Shortly after that he appears in the closet doorway and she quickly switches back to FaceTime.  So now I can see and hear everything.  He doesn’t seem to care. As he steps into the doorway he says,”What’s going on?” in a sickening sweet voice.  Next he coaxes her to the bed and lays down beside her with his arms crossed across his chest and a look of disgust on his face.  I understand it’s disgusting to see a drunk in action – especially if it’s someone you love.

She stayed on the phone a while longer – fading in and out – until I was able to convince her to hang up and get some sleep.  How do you think I felt?  Helpless, scared, confused for starters.  As I said I’ve never seen this before – not from my daughter or quite honestly anyone else.  This was the phone call that enlightened her Dad and me that what was happening in her life was a serious issue.  Our daughter….our precious daughter….

The next day we did talk and I encouraged her to seek help.  She did seek out a therapist.  You won’t believe what happened the first day she went for counseling after this incident.  I’ll tell you all about it in my next post.

Struggling With Lack Of Communication

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Ever since Kae went into rehab there has been an enormous lack of communication.  Today we had our first normal conversation in almost a month – it made me cry!

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She began to tell me about the withdrawal symptoms she is experiencing a few weeks after beginning her detox.  This is normal, it can last for weeks or months.  Her experience has been sleeplessness, night sweats, bizarre dreams and just not feeling great.  Luckily she’s only experienced this for the last couple of days.

She is about to finish her stint in rehab.  Will they address this?  Will she have a helpline in case of severe withdrawal symptoms now? As her mom of course these are concerns for me.  If I lived close I would be getting education from the center she chose and would be able to be with her.  She was planning on finding a counselor and confirming that this is normal and asking for advice on dealing with it.  I am trusting that the rehab center will absolutely address this issue and send her off with the ammunition she needs going forward.

Of course they will!

Our conversation was normal today – after the first week when she was allowed to call me she seemed like herself – sober on the first phone call.  She told me a little about the facility, the other addicts and her counselor.  Since then our conversations have seemed stiff and forced and obligatory.  This is not normal.  Today it was.

I feel hopeful that this will continue!